NOW I know what it feels like to be a penguin swaddled in a girdle – not that I had given it much thought before. But as I waddle into the cool shallows of Lamlash Bay on the Isle of Arran, lumpily sheathed in neoprene and dragging my bright red kayak behind me, I feel as awkward as that klutzy, egg-shaped comic.
I’m hoping that when I finally reach deeper waters and launch myself into my craft, that I, like the stubby-legged polar bird, will take on some measure of aquatic grace – but, in my heart, I know better.
Just as I feel a chilly trickle filling my rubber booties, our jovial guide, Bruce Jolliffe, of the Arran Adventure Company, suggests we board our crimson kayaks, and soon we’re gliding across the gunmetal-grey bay.
Well, my companions may be “gliding,” but my idea of an upper-body workout is brushing my teeth (flossing, too, when I’m feeling particularly hale), and I soon start to feel the burn.
Fortunately, Jolliffe has specially chosen this sheltered location on Arran’s south-eastern coast for its relatively calm waters – and, to my surprise, I find I’m having fun.
“The island sits along the Highland Boundary Fault,” explains Jolliffe, his commentary wafting along the breeze.
This fault traverses Scotland, partitioning it into the hard-edged Highlands and the more softly undulating Lowlands. Arran, about an hour’s ferry ride off Scotland’s south-west coast, is divided by the same fault, so delivers the same diverse topography.
Measuring just 56 miles in circumference, it has earned the oft-repeated moniker, “Scotland in Miniature”, although one big thing about Arran is its golf. With seven courses and a year-round population hovering around 4,700, the island boasts the most golf courses per head in the world.
But Arran isn’t just for golfers. Thanks to its dramatic landscape, geologists get a kick out it, says Jolliffe, and there’s plenty to see and do, whether you are a hillwalker or want to do some climbing.
The island offers an abundance of wildlife, and Jolliffe advises us to scope the rocks for common seals, as well as grey seals, which are actually more common than common seals (despite the name).
“You can also get sightings of seabirds – gannets, gulls, curlews, oystercatchers – and we get basking sharks on the exposed coastline, too,” he adds.
About the only thing you won’t find in or along Arran’s waters, it seems, is the Loch Ness Monster. But Holy Isle, where a group of Buddhists offer holiday retreats for folks of all faiths, does its best impression of a giant, partially submerged dinosaur rising up out of the middle of Lamlash Bay.
For those who wish to commune with a spirit of a different sort, a tour of the Isle of Arran Distillery and Visitor Centre may be in order. In fact, that’s my next stop, and I’m relieved to find that, despite kayaking leaving my limbs as limp as linguine, I’m still strong enough to lift a dram by the time we reach the distillery in Lochranza, on the island’s northern tip.
Twinkly-eyed guide Campbell Laing begins our tour beside an indoor waterfall meant to simulate the distillery’s own source. The distillery, which opened in 1995, is the first legally produced whisky made on Arran in nearly 160 years, and in 1997, the Queen gave it her blessing by opening the visitor centre.
After watching a brief video in a simulated old-timey distiller’s cottage – complete with a sinuous “escape route” which whisky runners could take when the law came a’ calling – Laing leads us into the distillery itself, which is perfumed by the smell of warm cereal.
He explains that nothing goes to waste in the process, including a barley byproduct which is used to feed local cattle.
“The cows may walk a wee bit funny, but they’re happy,” says Laing.
I’ll be walking a wee bit funny, too, thanks to a visit to the tasting room, where Laing lets us sample several whiskies, including “cask-finished” products that have been aged in a variety of cognac, sherry, champagne and premier cru wine casks.
Arran offers up a true Scottish safari. In a single weekend, I spot red deer, a grey seal sunning itself on a rock, dozing goats, shaggy Highland cows and sheep of such variety that I suspect they were invented by Dr Moreau.
It’s not just the fauna, but also the flora, that flirts with the fantastic.
The gardens of Brodick Castle – a stately red sandstone home furnished as it was when the widow of the 12th duke died in 1957 – are filled with all manner of exotic vegetation, from massive leaves ample enough for more than one bum to sit on to strange palm trees that look like parts of other plants assembled by giddy four-year-olds let loose with a glue stick.
My favourite slice of Arran, however, is a walk on the south-western coast from the King’s Caves – where legend holds that Robert the Bruce, repeatedly defeated by the English, was inspired by a spider building its web to “try, try again” and eventually regain the Scottish throne – to the beach at Blackwaterfoot.
A narrow dirt path winds through fields of bracken, heather and foxglove before descending towards the sea, where hikers have built small stone cairns to mark their pilgrimage. Then it begins a slow, steady ascent to the base of a dramatic bluff, improbably tufted with gravity-defying bits of green. With all their lush drama, these cliffs might appear more at home in Tahiti than this northern outpost.
Arran, it seems, isn’t content to model itself solely on the best of Scotland. It’s a greatest-hits medley of island beauty – a slogan that’s equally as apt as “Scotland in Miniature” and it might just about fit on a bumper sticker, too.
More information
www.visitscotland.com/ whiteinvite and www.ayrshire-arran.com
Where to stay
Best Western Kinloch Hotel, Blackwaterfoot. Phone 01770 860444, or see www.bw-kinlochhotel.co.uk
Auchrannie Resort, Auchrannie Road, Brodick. Phone 01770 302234, or visit www.auchrannie.co.uk.
The Centre for World Peace and Health on Holy Isle, Lamlash Bay. Phone 08451770 601100, or see www.holyisland.org
Where to eat
Kilmichael Country House Hotel and Deluxe Cottages, Glen Cloy, near Brodick. Phone 08451770 302219, or see www.kilmichael.com
Creelers, Home Farm, Brodick. Phone 08451770 302797, or visit www.creelers.co.uk
What to do
Arran Adventure Company, Auchrannie Road, Brodick. Phone 08451770 302244, or see www.arranadventure.com
Isle of Arran Distillery and Visitor Centre, Lochranza. Phone 08451770 830264, or visit www.arranwhisky.com
Brodick Castle, Garden & Country Park, Brodick. Phone 0845844 4932152, or www.nts.org.uk/Property/13.
Where to shop
Arran Aromatics Ltd, The Home Farm, Brodick – see www.arranaromatics.com
Getting there
Caledonian MacBrayne (www.calmac.co.uk) runs a ferry between Ardrossan and Brodick on the Isle of Arran.