UNIVERSITY research is a waste of time and money. Discuss. John Haldane, professor of philosophy at St Andrews University, has dared to suggest that the growth of research at Scotland's seats of learning might have become “a drag" on the main pursuit of educating students.
Put more simply: research, who needs it?
Yet, it is everywhere. Every day, yet another, often fatuous, piece of research hits the headlines. It might be about obesity, global warming, whether single men are more content than their married counterparts or some tenuous proof that cabbage cures cancer. Occasionally, there is something serious and worthwhile, but only occasionally.
Prof Haldane bravely made the point that universities needed to start making some ruthless choices about how resources are being spent, particularly at a time when budgets are tight.
Now, it may surprise you to know that I have a degree in moral philosophy from St Andrews University, so I am not talking through a hole in the ozone layer. I attended St Andrews at about the same time as Prince William. OK, a few years before him. OK, so he wasn’t even born when I was a student, but who cares?
I have always felt there was something suspect about a great deal of the research we keep hearing about these days. It is a veritable industry.
One of the most ridiculous – and so many fit this category – involved researchers finding out which end of the bath people sat and why. Just as ridiculous was Glasgow Caledonian University spending a staggering £40,000 proving that a hangover makes you feel bad. Wow, groundbreaking or what?
Prof Haldane must be well aware that his own university is not immune from stupid research. I am thinking of one study which found that, as girls turn into teenagers, they tend to find deeper voices more attractive, while younger girls prefer huskier tones. Downright scary.
Barry White, you may be dead now, but please take note.
We should not make the mistake of condemning all research out of hand. That would be absurd. But, not to put too fine a point on it, some universities have better reputations than others.
The north-east, for example, is a source of first-class research – possibly because there are so many excellent academic establishments: Robert Gordon University, the Rowett Institute, Aberdeen University and NHS Grampian.
There are people such as Professor Peter Robertson, of the Centre for Research in Energy and the Environment at Robert Gordon University, whose work has repercussions all over the world.
Prof Robertson concentrates on ways of minimising the impact of climate change, something we, as a society, worry about more and more. His main concern is to make sure water is clean enough to drink because water in developing countries causes the deaths of so many children. Research could not get much more important than that.
Even Aberdeen University has its moments, however. In 2008, a study showed that women became less bitchy as they got older. Those aged 50 and over were more likely to warm to other females because they no longer saw them as rivals.
I do not understand the significance of that – at all. After all, we have always known that, officially, men do not bitch. When blokes get together, they are “networking". When women do the same, they are bitching.
There is nothing better in this world than a really good bitch, particularly when the target of your vicious words deserves every bit of it. In the words of Alice Roosevelt Longworth: “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come and sit next to me.”
We don’t need researchers to tell us the age at which we bitch best.
Prof Haldane is right. It is time to separate the wheat from the chaff; time to stop wasting pots of money on silly subjects, such as hangovers.
Prof Haldane was trying to point out that the primary purpose of any university is to pursue education. But the growing mass of researchers are becoming like parasites, syphoning off thousands of pounds which could be spent on learning.
The tragedy is that, so often, the research is of no benefit to anyone other than the people in receipt of the grant to carry it out.
Of course, research is a valuable source of funding for universities – perhaps too valuable. Some 67.8% of research funding comes from government, from Holyrood, through the Scottish Funding Council (SFC), and Westminster.
The bad news is that this vast pot of money is being dangled, carrot-fashion, before our universities, which are desperate for funds. There must be a big temptation for them to give precedence to research above teaching.
All Prof Haldane is asking is that we stop funding useless research.
Already this year, we have heard about a study which said chatting on a mobile phone can reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. Really? Yes, it may fry your brain, but your memory will stay intact.
Rubbish. Nobody really knows how much damage mobiles do. They have been the subject of fierce debate for years.
A 10-year study in Sweden suggested that frequent mobile users were more prone to non-malignant tumours in the ear and brain while a Dutch study suggested changes in cognitive function. So, please don’t tell people to use mobile phones in case they improve memory.
My favourite fatuous research for February concerned Nintendo’s Wii Fit. Supposed health experts at Which? magazine tested its effectiveness and discovered that vacuuming was just as good at keeping people fit. But that is missing the whole point of the Wii Fit.
At first, the exercises are simple and do not require much physical effort. Slowly, but surely, they become more challenging, with small transfers of weight and rhythm as well as basic pelvic manoeuvres. Many of the exercises are about balance and posture. You bend and lean on a balance board. Every time you mess up, the Wii explains why. Now, don’t tell me a vacuum cleaner can perform all those tasks.
Get Prof Haldane’s point now?