ONE urban myth states that the Chinese symbol for trouble is two women underneath a single roof.
Although this is almost certainly not true, we can all understand the sentiment. A mother is the one person a daughter can simultaneously abhor and adore.
But Deborah Tannen, author of You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters In Conversation, says that this powerful bond doesn’t occur between a mother and her son.
“Mothers and daughters are brought face to face with reflections of themselves, and that forces them to confront who they are, who they want to be and how they relate to others,” she says.
The resulting relationship therefore resembles “an intense love affair”, she explains, veering between passion and pain.
It should come as no surprise, then, that this relationship so often runs into problems.
As daughters and mothers around the UK get ready for Mother’s Day tomorrow, now is a good time to set things back on track.
Research has shown that adult women who get on with their mothers are less anxious and depressed and have higher self-esteem than those who don’t. So if there’s trouble in your household, now might be the time to swallow that pride and try to understand your mother or daughter a little better.
The mother-daughter relationship provides the child with her first experience of feeling secure in the world, says family counsellor Stephanie Palin, of Relate – and that’s often the root of the problem.
As a daughter grows up, she wants to continue to please this person who provides this support.
However, as Palin explains, this can turn many girls into approval-seekers who end up making the wrong decisions all because they want to please mummy.
Although a mother may see her supportive role as benign, the pressure exerted on the daughter can be very intense and lead to situations where the daughter feels “she can’t do anything right”.
“I remember coming home with my first senior school report with a 99% on my maths and my mother said to me, ‘What happened to the other 1%?’,” says Palin.
“It was never, ‘Well, aren’t you clever’, or ‘Good job, well done’. I quickly learned that if she said, ‘How did your friend do?’, the subtle message was that I could have done better.”
This so-called “tough love” approach can explain the reason why many mothers and daughters seem to have such differing views of their bond.
In her study of adult mother-daughter relationships, Dr Karen Fingerman, author of Ageing Mothers and Their Adult Daughters: a Study in Mixed Emotions, found that mothers reported a more favourable view of the relationship than their daughters did – with 75% of mums listing their daughter among the top three most important people in their lives while only 58% of daughters ranked their mothers so.
Clinical psychiatrist Dr Victoria Lukats adds that she believes it is often jealously which leads mothers to push their daughters too hard.
“There’s your daughter, this beautiful creature with her whole life ahead of her and all these opportunities to take on, but you’re at a later stage where the doors have already closed.
“As a mother, this is your opportunity to live through her, to help her realise her own potential and get her to stand on her own two feet. But you might find that you’re doing all that by consistently nagging about how she’s not doing it right.”
While daughters might see that behaviour as an example of mum being impossible to please, this isn’t always the case, says author Deborah Tannen.
“Quite simply, if we didn’t love our mothers so much, they wouldn’t have the power to hurt us.
“If she didn’t love us so much, she wouldn’t notice our every fault and want to improve it.”
As mums and daughters age, the mother’s role moves from actively caring for her child to one of quiet observance.
Some mums can feel rejected, Palin says, by the fact that their baby daughter is growing up. They lose their sense of self as the mother and can consequently find it hard to treat their daughter as an equal.
“Mum will always want you to be the little girl she looks after,” says Palin.
“She’ll always want you to be dependent on her and need her. But she has to accept that you are now a woman in your own equal right, that you have your own decisions and life.”
And while little girls might want a fairy-tale world where mum is perfect and always says the right thing, it’s time that daughters woke up to reality, she adds.
“Your mother is a flawed human being, just as you and your friends are flawed.
“You put up with your friends’ flaws because, ‘Oh, God, that’s just how Jane is’ – but you don’t give that leeway to your mum. Understanding why she does things the way she does, and that she did the best she could despite her flaws, is essential to you having a healthy relationship with her.”
Palin suggests having a conversation that focuses on what daughters would like to see from their relationship – without any finger-pointing.
“Timing is everything here,” she notes.
“When things are OK, we tend to think it’s not a good time to talk and will wait instead until things are already tense. But the best time is when you’re getting on because they’ll be more receptive and you’ll be calmer in the way that you approach it.”
If you can’t face having a one-to-one conversation with your mother, writing an e-mail or letter can also work wonders – allowing you to be heard without interruption and her to absorb what you have written in her own time.
“You might find, in the meantime, that dad is just as embroiled as the two of you are, busily playing mediator”, says Palin.
“In many families, dad helps calm down the tension between mother and child and soothes things over. He can play a pretty important role.”
Understanding that your mother doesn’t mean to hurt you can actually transform your relationship, says Tannen.
So it’s worth remembering that the next time the two of you are under the same roof.