Iain Maciver

SHE will kill me if I even hint at her name, but I cannot but recount how someone I know became very attached recently to one of her household appliances.

WOKE up this morning and there was no sign of Mrs X. Ah, she must be cooking a special breakfast for me, I thought. I’ll tiptoe down and surprise her. No, she’s not in the kitchen. Not in the loo. Garden shed? Nope.

SO, HER Majesty is forking out a cool £300,000 to hire the former MV Hebrides, which plied between Tarbert, Uig and Lochmaddy until 1985. Summer isn’t summer without the royals coming up the west coast for picnics in sneaky, out-of-the-way places. I promise to leave her alone this year, but I did sort of accidentally on purpose bump into her and her family one summer.