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Billie Eilish: I didn’t think I would make it to 17

Billie Eilish was speaking to the US edition of Elle magazine (Aaron Chown/PA)
Billie Eilish was speaking to the US edition of Elle magazine (Aaron Chown/PA)

Billie Eilish has said she did not think she would make it to 17 after struggling with depression.

The Bad Guy singer said she is now in the happiest place of her life but did not expect to come out the other side of her struggle.

She told the US edition of Elle magazine: “Two years ago, I felt like nothing mattered; every single thing was pointless.

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“I’ve gotten to a point where I’m finally okay,” @billieeilish told ELLE for our Women in Music issue. “It’s not because I’m famous. It’s not because I have a little more money. It’s so many different things: growing up, people coming into your life, certain people leaving your life. For anybody who isn’t doing well, it will get better. Have hope. I did this shit with fame riding on my shoulders. Being famous is great, but it was horrible for a year. Now I love what I do, and I’m me again. The good me. And I love the eyes on me.” Link in bio for the full #ELLEWIM cover story.⁣ ⁣ ELLE October 2019:⁣ Editor-in-chief: @ninagarcia⁣ Cover star: @billieeilish⁣ Written by: @evebarlow⁣ Photographer: @yvanfabing⁣ Stylist: @annatrevelyan⁣ Wearing: @louisvuitton, @cartier⁣ Hair: @tammyyi⁣ Makeup: @robrumseymua⁣ Manicure: @jolene.b.nails⁣ Set Design: Bryan Porter at Owl & the Elephant @daysofourslides

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“Not just in my life, but everything in the whole world. I was fully clinically depressed. It’s insane to look back and not be anymore.”

Asked about critics who have accused her of faking depression, she said: “It hurt me to see that.

“I was a 16-year-old girl who was really unstable.

“I’m in the happiest place of my life, and I didn’t think that I would even make it to this age.”

BBC Radio 1’s Big Weekend – Middlesbrough
Billie Eilish on stage at BBC Radio 1’s Big Weekend (Owen Humphreys/PA)

She added: “I haven’t been happy for years. I didn’t think I would be happy again.

“And here I am – I’ve gotten to a point where I’m finally OK. It’s not because I’m famous. It’s not because I have a little more money.

“It’s so many different things: growing up, people coming into your life, certain people leaving your life. All I can say now is, for anybody who isn’t doing well, it will get better. Have hope.

“I did this shit with fame riding on my shoulders. And I love fame! Being famous is great, but it was horrible for a year. Now I love what I do, and I’m me again. The good me. And I love the eyes on me.”

But having eyes on her means constant appraisal of her appearance and her baggy clothing.

Discussing how feminists theorise that she’s desexualising herself and parents thank her for covering up because, in turn, so do their daughters, she said: “You’re missing the point! The point is not: ‘Hey, let’s go slut-shame all these girls for not dressing like Billie Eilish’.

“It makes me mad. I have to wear a big shirt for you not to feel uncomfortable about my boobs!”

Before a show in Nashville in June, she climbed off the bus in a tank top to greet fans outside and a photo of her circulated on social media.

She said: “My boobs were trending on Twitter! At number one! What is that?! Every outlet wrote about my boobs!!”

She added: “I look good in it. I was born with f****** boobs, bro. I was born with DNA that was gonna give me big-ass boobs.

“I was recently FaceTiming a close friend of mine who’s a dude, and I was wearing a tank top. He was like, ‘Ugh, put a shirt on!’ And I said, ‘I have a shirt on’.

“Someone with smaller boobs could wear a tank top, and I could put on that exact tank top and get slut-shamed because my boobs are big. That is stupid. It’s the same shirt!”

Eilish said she is conscious that in a few months she will be 18, adding: “I’m gonna be a woman. I wanna show my body. What if I wanna make a video where I wanna look desirable? Not a porno! But I know it would be a huge thing.

“I know people will say, ‘I’ve lost all respect for her’. I can’t win!”

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