For the better part of two years, my grandmother spent her days in a rocking chair beside our fireplace.
She could see out the window, she could watch our dog come in and out. It was how she loved to spend her time.
After the initial period of shock after she passed away, we found ourselves struggling with that rocking chair – her chair, as we’d come to think of it.
Were we allowed to sit there? By making the chair an ordinary part of everyday life, were we saying she was completely gone? Were we disrespecting her in some way?
Loss is tricky, and it gets even more difficult around the holidays. Highland Hospice bereavement counsellor Ann Craig shared a few ideas that she hopes can help from leaving a seat open at the table to skipping a tradition that has become too overwhelming.
Light a candle, leave a space
Ann suggested a variety of ways to allow space for memories, each with different degrees of visibility.
- Light a memory candle and place it on the mantle, in the window or on the table
- Leave an open seat and setting at the dinner table.
- Light an extra sparkler on New Year’s Eve.
- For Christmas, hang an extra stocking in their memory. Family members can write notes to leave in the stocking. You can read them aloud or keep them private.
- Carry on a tradition that was important to them or that they embodied. Maybe that’s a signature dish, or a special gift.
Continue the bond
It’s easy to feel like grief is something to push aside. It’s distracting, it’s uncomfortable, it hurts. But Ann said that’s like trying to hold up a crumbling dam. Instead of denying grief, it’s important to make a space for it.
“Allow grief and memory to be part of the day. Grieving is not about making grief smaller; it’s about building life around it.
“There might be something you can do that really brings your person into your day. It doesn’t mean that your day is going to be all sad and dreary. You’re going to enjoy it and it might enable you to remember really happy memories.”
Everyone’s relationship is different
During the grieving process, it’s important to remember that people have very different needs, she said.
“How you grieve is unique to you and unique to the relationship you have with the person. Everyone’s relationship to everyone is different.”
Midnight mass might be a yearly tradition in the family, she said. But maybe it was always especially important to a relative who just passed away. For some family members, the mass might be too direct a reminder of them.
And that’s okay, she said.
And when a friend or family member says they need to change or cancel plans, it’s important to be understanding. Turning down an invitation can be difficult. So be open about why you’re turning something down. If you’re on the receiving end, don’t take it personally, Ann said.
“There’s always that fear that if you keep saying no, people will stop asking.”
More advice from the experts
While the grieving process is very personal, it isn’t always easy to go through it alone.
The bereavement team at Highland Hospice have a host of resources available to help learn to cope with loss. You can visit their website for advice on self-help bereavement advice or for supporting a friend or family member who has been bereaved.
During the holidays, when offices are closed, there are online and other on-demand services to help any time of day.
The Silver Line (0800 470 8090) offers free, 24-hour confidential information, friendship and support to older people.
If you would prefer to message, Shout is a free confidential messaging service for mental health. You can also get help at any time by texting ‘SHOUT’ to 85358.
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