While recovering from an election overdose of rosette-wearing political hopefuls, and some hopeless ones, all spouting like Icelandic geysers, I must record thanks to polling-station officials who remained stoically behind their screens despite windows and doors wide open to ensure a flow of fresh air due to Covid concerns.
In our village, those brilliant ballot-paper bravehearts faced a snell wind that could have spelled permanent disfigurement for kilt wearers or moistened the eyes of anyone whose skirt was concealing a thin thong rather than the minimum safe requirement of 100 denier tights.
Congratulations to the successful parliamentary candidates, though. In fact, well done everyone because each main party hailed the election’s outcome as a successful endorsement of their policies.
They’re talking through their backsides, of course, but it’s strangely heart-warming. They suggest everybody won and went home happy.
This wave of happy optimism chimed with me. As holding the delayed Olympic Games in Tokyo this summer seems increasingly uncertain, we should offer this area’s assets to hold events for athletes on our green Covid country travel list, giving them the chance to compete in this happy win-win atmosphere, ensuring their years of painful training wouldn’t be in vain. They could enjoy compensatory competition in the world’s most beautiful country.
The Scotolympics would be fantastic. No need for an Olympic village – athletes could stay in fleets of hired campervans – or for expensive stadiums. We’ll just use what we’ve got and tweak the events accordingly.
Take athletics, for example. It’s mind-numbingly boring for athletes to run round and round on an oval track, so the Scotolympic sprint events could be held in Aberdeen’s Union Street. Competitors would instead race to catch a bus that’s pulling away from its stop as they approach.
Longer races could be based at Braemar and compete up and down Creag Choinnich. The historic annual event held on this hill, which is currently being tweaked for 2021, dates from 1064 so could showcase Scotland’s amazing scenery and history together. The worldwide TV audience would go nuts for it.
Heavy events could also be held in the north-east. Those who usually win medals by throwing stuff could be put to good community use. Hammer-throwing could be replaced by pots of paint slung across Aberdeen in a fresh twist to the returning Nuart art festival.
Shot put and discus events could be held near Inverurie where competitors could chuck heavy rocks from quarries to form the bed of the proposed new A96 bypass.
Away from athletics, sailing could take place at maritime Meccas such as Peterhead Marina, Scapa Flow or Ullapool.
Rowing could be based on the River Dee where Britain’s most decorated female Olympian, Dame Katherine Grainger, once trained.
Tennis could be based at Bellfield Park in Inverness, cycling events at Aonach Mor, swimming at a suitably refurbished Tarlair pool, climbing in Wester Ross and triathlon in Orkney or Shetland where competitors could run, swim and cycle between various islands.
Beach volleyball is a shoo-in for Luskentyre, on Harris; long jump for Lossiemouth’s East Beach where the access bridge is closed; boxing in any town centre on a Saturday night; and shooting at Durness where the armed services have been shelling the area for decades.
For extra spice, indoor sports such as badminton or table tennis could be held at windswept Dunnet Head where severe penalties would be incurred for letting your ping-pong ball or shuttlecock go over the edge.
In these increasingly climate-conscious times, we obviously couldn’t have a Scotolympic flame which would waste fossil-fuelled energy, so I suggest a flappy one made of recycled tinfoil and wind-powered. That should keep Greetin’ Greta happy.
In addition to medals, we could also have special awards. For example, tennis could have the Sturgeon Trophy for the most remarkable return; running, the Lady Davidson Cup for the fastest exit from Scotland; trampolining, the Sarwar Shield for most laudable attempt at bouncing back; and yachting, the consolation Salmond Salver for competitors who set out in full sail but subsequently sank without trace.
Our new-look Scotolympics would be a staycation sensation. Like the recent election, everyone would win.
And like the post-election political posturing, it’s largely Scotch pie in the sky.
