Prof Hector Schlenk, Senior Researcher at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science:
As a scientist, people are often asking me questions, such as “if 74% of respondents said last year’s Aberdeen Christmas Market was ‘excellent’, what percentage had had too much mulled wine before being asked?”.
However, this week I have not concerned myself with statistical analysis of festive disappointment, shocked as I was by the recent headline in the local press proclaiming ‘60,000 bees stolen in north-east robbery’.
I was immediately struck by the enormity of this crime. Bees are, of course, fascinating and important creatures who live in service as worker drones to their queen. Just think of them, if you like, as small, airborne, furry-legged Dominic Rabbs.
However, unlike politicians, their job is actually vital for the survival of the planet. Bees harvest nectar and pollen from flowering plants, and as much as a third of the food we consume relies on bee pollination. If all the bees were to vanish, it would have an incalculable effect upon the environment as we could lose all plants they pollinate, all animals that eat those plants, and so on all the way up the food chain to important people such as myself. In this instance, the stolen bees were removed from a farm outside Peterhead, leaving the owner distraught and authorities appealing for witnesses.
‘Mr Shearer obviously doesn’t think Levi is ‘indolent, insolent and incompetent in equal measure’
Appalled by this outrageous act of apian larceny, I wasted no time in adding my own skills to the search for the culprits – in a sort of unofficial ‘CSI: Longside’. To do this, I spent several hours with a slide rule, some permanent marker pens and a handy expanse of living room wall, working out the optimum size of vehicle the criminals must have used to transport 60,000 bees.
Surprisingly, my calculations revealed that such a colony would fit, comfortably, into a small hatchback (comfortably for the bees that is – one can only assume that the getaway driver would have had a less enjoyable time of it). Moreover, the inescapable conclusion from the equations I frantically inscribed on our feature wall and up the new curtains was that the presence of a swarm of bees within such a conveyance could only have the effect of reducing its mass (in a sort of insectile equivalent of a cloud of helium gas) and therefore improving its power-to-weight ratio.
>> Keep up to date with the latest news with The P&J newsletter
Shelving, for a moment, a possible patent for bee-driven transport of the future, I then phoned the authorities with my findings – that they should be looking for a small family car being driven by a person with many facial blemishes at unusually high speed. They thanked me, but observed that, given the prevalence of boy racers in the area, the description I’d given widened, rather than narrowed, their pool of suspects. Only then did they inform me that the thieves had actually taken four large wooden hives with the bees inside. This, of course, rendered the calculations on my wall erroneous. Indeed, Mrs Schlenk was so unimpressed with them, I am banished to sleep in the shed.
Jonathan M Lewis, local headteacher
Once again I find myself in the unpleasant position of having to defend the staff here at Garioch Academy from unwarranted criticism. It’s a shame to take time out of my core duties of enriching young lives and steering the hearts and minds towards a brighter future, but the backbiting and finger wagging must be stopped.
Let’s face it, email is a wonderful communication tool that, 99% of the time, is used effectively by all here at Garioch. On those rare occasions when something goes wrong, please be assured that nobody makes mistakes on purpose.
Mr Shearer, Head of History, deeply regrets that his humorous “mock” report on young Levi McMaster was inadvertently attached to an email to Levi’s parents. I have assured Mr and Mrs McMaster that this was simply a good–natured extrusion of the sometimes rather caustic wit which teachers sometimes develop after a long, fulfilling career spent inspiring our young people.
Mr Shearer obviously doesn’t think Levi is “indolent, insolent and incompetent in equal measure”, nor does he think that Levi “has all the attributes to consider a career in petty theft and housebreaking”. And it surely doesn’t need clarifying that Mr Shearer does not genuinely think that “he’s not completely useless, as he can always be used as a bad example”. Mr Shearer has apologised in person to Mr and Mrs McMaster, in a very public space with lots and lots of witnesses present, and we now consider the matter closed.
We at Garioch believe in learning from our mistakes. Mr Shearer is therefore to receive additional training on the proper use of email, focusing in particular on the ‘recall’ function.
Finally, I must refute allegations that Mr Shearer has been known to engage in a little game where pupils are sent with notes from one teacher to another, requesting things like “send me your ugliest pupil” and I can reassure the parent body that no such nonsense takes place in Garioch Academy. Any more.
