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OPINION: How is Gove still in the race, hasn’t he had his marching powders?

Michael Gove
Michael Gove

Sniff. What’s that? Sniff. Just a runny nose, that’s all. Sniff.

Ok, yes, so who didn’t do a little bit of the old Colombian marching powder in one’s youth? Apart from Gove, of course. Have you ever seen anyone who more obviously has never touched anything stronger than Calpol? He’s only saying he did to look cool, like me.   I mean it was on tap wasn’t it? It was fashionable in the eighties, like mullets and Michaela Strachan. Woof! Springwatch? She can focus my binnoculars any season of the year.

Anyway, It was the lifestyle.  I was a journo living a 24/7 back then…I had a high pressure job, deadlines to meet, and all my mates were doing it so, you know, it was on. On like Donkey Kong! Don’t judge me, ok?

Yes, my use of class ‘A’ drugs was a serious offence which contributed to a pernicious trade that brings misery to our communities and finances organised crime. But let me be very clear; so what? It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be PM! After all, I am posh, privately educated, and I’ve written in newspapers about how bad what I did was when other people do it; which is totally what world leaders do now. So I could still be a contender, Charlie!

Happily, my leadership campaign goes from strength to strength. the other candidateshave all been spending the week helping my chances by shooting themselves in the feet. Whilst I, using the same technique as Boris, have held on to my share of support (2% and holding steady) by saying and doing absolutely nada.

Matt, Dom, Mark and Rory (aka Oldboyzone) can forget it – no-one knows which of them is which. Especially since one of them has already been knocked out. Which one? Exactly!

Sajiid Javid has been whinging about not getting invited to the State Banquet with Donald Trump. Buck up Saj, it might not have been a backlash for your outspoken criticism of Trump’s Islamaphobic policies; it might have just been because Theresa didn’t want to have to explain why her Home Secretary looks like Rowan Atkinson playing Dr. Evil.

And as for Esther McVey, I guarantee that Loraine Kelly remembers ME from back in the day. Yowzers!

But the one who kept making the mistake of sharing his weird beliefs this week was Jeremy Hunt…(that’s ‘HUNT’ Victoria Derbyshire – you potty mouthed scamp!). I met a psychologist chap this week who told me that there is a scientific explanation why people keep calling Jeremy Hunt that word. Firstly, it’s an unconscious spoonerism with ’Conservative’; secondly the fact that the word is taboo makes it psychologically more, rather than less, likely that it will happen and thirdly, he’s Jeremy Hunt.

Kevin Cash – Money Saving Expert and King of the Grips.

There’s only sae mony hours of TV I can watch, afore I hiv tae stop staring at the 60 inch flatscreen and get chased awa fae my neighbour’s patio windows. So this wik I had a good evening oot planned and instead found myself hugely disappointed.

Noo, My musical tastes is fit ye might cry ‘eclectic’. There’s nae song I winna listen tae the first 30 seconds o’ on Amazon for free.  But I’ve been an especially big fan of Rod Stewart iver since that happy day in 2011 fan I realised that I could hear ivery note of his gig at Pittodrie withoot having tae pay for a ticket, thanks tae a park bench on the Broadhill and a stiff South Westerly wind.   But that’s fit’s done for him this time. I had been looking forward tae the gig, and had secreted my deckchair and some oot o’ date cans of Asda Smart Price lager in a prime listening position roon the back of the Gordon Barracks. So imagine my annoyance fan Rod cancelled on us at the last minute due tae “high winds and bad weather”.

Noo I get the concerns. The AECC venue is getting on a bittie, and is noo a bittie creaky. Much like Rod himself. Ye dinna wint tae be enjoying the spectacle only tae find something on stage blowing off withoot warning. Much like Rod himself.

I reckon the answer lies in shoring the place up tae mak sure it stays plumb till the new TECA place opens. That shoogly tower needs sorted oot for a start. I dinna even ken fit it’s for, but ye widna trust it in a high wind.

My mate Mick the Pill has a load of sacks of Polyfilla fit he rescued fae the building works at ARI. If we’ve ony left over fae sorting the cooncil oot wi’ a job lot, tae mak sure Provost Skene’s Hoose disnae fa’ doon afore they get their statue of Dennis Law through the doors, I reckon I can dae them a deal. But we’ll need tae get a bend on. They’ve noo had tae postpone Rod’s gig, fit wiz meant tae be the final een at the venue, for anither month. And fa kens fit state the AECC, and the weather, will be in by July? Given the  current conditions, Rod should be ready for snaw!