Here is a joke. Whether you find it funny or not will depend on where you’re coming from.
The airline captain announces that there is something wrong with the engines, and that the plane will crash in five minutes. What to do in the last few minutes of life? An attractive blonde at the front of the cabin stands up and says, in a loud voice, “I would like a man who will make me feel like a woman”.
All eyes turn to the back of the plane as a handsome, bronzed young man steps to his feet. There is a frisson in the air as he takes his jacket off and starts to walk down the aisle. His tie comes off next, while the blonde smiles adoringly. As he draws nearer, the man starts to unbutton his shirt. With a dramatic gesture he whips it off. Then he hands the garment to the young woman. “Iron this,” he says.
Most women would want to kill a man who told this story. It’s the kind of joke/reality that launched the feminist movement. Its very crassness would prevent many men from repeating the joke in mixed company, either because they were repelled by it, or out of fear of sustaining grievous bodily harm.
Sometimes, though, it’s hard to be a modern man. A recent survey claimed that in the post-feminist age, there is simply no right way for men to behave. Just at the point at which we’ve learned to be in touch with the inner feminine, cry, wash the dishes, refrain from holding the door open for women and control the urge to stand up for ladies on the bus, it seems that it’s all a bit of a mistake. Well, most of it.
The research revealed that 91% of women actually like having the door held open for them. This is a truly devastating statistic. And as many as 22% of women are happy that men should foot the bill for dates. Apparently, young and older people were most likely to think men should pay for a meal out.
Men who were brought up to offer their seat on the bus to a standing lady do so in fear and trembling. The stories of crushing humiliation are legion. Yet some women apparently still like it. And nearly all believe that people should give up their seats for the elderly.
Melanie Howard of research group The Future Foundation said: “It’s practically impossible for men to get it right. Although on the surface the figures for holding open doors for women seem pretty non-contentious, it still means that every 10th woman a man steps aside for is probably going to take offence, which is a pretty daunting thought.”
Here is the problem for a modern man. He has fought all his conditioned tendencies to open doors for women. Then he learns that, after all, most women prefer it that way. When he reverts to his old courteous habits, and holds the door open, nine out of ten women give him a big smile. Then the tenth leaves him a quivering wreck after a blistering verbal onslaught. Oh dear.
Here is a further piece of confusion: the popularity of a book called The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who’s Right for You. According to author Laura Doyle, who argues that surrendering control means going back to pre-feminist ideas of womanhood. To attract a mate, apparently, single women should smile at every man they meet, always wear form-fitting clothes and make-up, and give “sincere thanks or a compliment to at least one male a day”.
Doyle says that being quiet on a date allows the man to impress the woman and makes her seem more feminine, a must for the surrendered creed. She does allow women to communicate their desires in two scenarios: if the man asks for their opinion, or if he suggests doing something that would put her in emotional or physical distress. Otherwise, their feelings are irrelevant.
Aaargh! Something tells me that this is different from Jo Brand’s view of men: “The useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis is called a man.” Or Roseanne Barr’s: “I don’t think women want to be equal to men. I think we’d have to have lobotomies to do that. There isn’t any New Man. The New man is the old man, only he whines more.”
No wonder so many modern men have identity crises, or end up as recluses. Is it to be deference or defiance, mystery or mastery? And is it ever possible to be right? “Don’t argue with your mate in the kitchen,” advises Diane Amos, “because we know where everything is and you don’t.”
Here are some more jokes. Whether you think they’re funny or not depends on where you’re coming from.
Question: How can you tell when a man’s had an orgasm?
Answer: You can hear him snoring.
Question: What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
Answer: One is hairy and smelly and is always scratching his rear. And the other’s a chimpanzee.
Ach, well. It’s good to know that women don’t like politically incorrect jokes. Yes, sometimes it’s hard to be a man.
