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Iain Maciver: Most people don’t realise baby sharks will only bother you if you’re very wet

Sharks, tuna and mackerel are the key to saving the planet, I have just learned. Big fish, it seems, are a carbon sink because they store greenhouse gases. They regulate the amount that stays in the atmosphere by absorbing global emissions.

Why have I never heard about this? Has anyone told David Attenborough?

Apparently, it’s because when a fish dies, it sinks to the seabed sequestering all the carbon it has absorbed. Sequestering? I think that is what HMRC threatened to do to my friend in Inverness after he somehow forgot to pay any tax for a couple of years. So it’s also the word for grabbing bad gases? Well, I never.

By the time you read this, the gassing in America will be over. We will know who the president of the United States is. Unless it is tight and the whole thing melts down into a mess with demands for recounts and crowbars being called for to encourage people to leave the White House. A sit-in has been hinted at.

Why does this sort of endless election entertainment not happen here in boring old Britain?

Meanwhile, was Joe bidin’ his time until now so he can dislodge the incumbent? He is older but is he wiser, more clever? Time will tell. Not everyone was convinced – at least at the beginning of this week. He has said he won’t be like Trump as members of Biden’s family will not have offices in the White House. Bit early for that kind of talk, Joe. The big question is whether you yourself will have an office in the White House.

My office is in my house though. And my office was really rattling with these gales over the last few days. What a racket. Honestly, I couldn’t hear myself giggling at those scaredy-cats videos on YouTube when I need to kickstart myself into work mode.

Guffawing at fear-stricken felines makes you breathe deeper and you take in more oxygen, so you then feel like doing more real work. That’s the theory in my new guide for winning at life called Pussycats for Productivity. Just a free tip for you.

The foul weather caused mayhem at sea. Ferries were cancelled and that prompted the usual run on toilet paper in the supermarkets. It’s just a winter gale. Just because they now give them a name – this was Storm Aiden – does not mean these hooleys are going to last for weeks and you have to boost the profits of Andrex. It’s not going to be soft or strong for very, very long.

A fish farm boat broke away from its moorings on Skye. It was under the command of Captain Aiden and headed for the North Pole. There was a news report saying the 19-metre vessel, which had cost more than £1 million, was spotted at the Shiant islands in the Minch. Hurray. The next report said it was sunk. Aw.

I saw a programme on the box recently about how they raise up sunken vessels by filling them with bubbles. I don’t think that would work with an open boat like that.

Meanwhile, someone else is going to live in a bubble. Because of Boris’s restrictions, which don’t apply in Scotland because we are a well-behaved lot who never break social distancing rules, Her Maj and Prince Phil have moved ahead of lockdown.

They have gone back to Windsor Castle or, as the senior royals now call it, HMS Bubble. On November 20, it will be their 73rd wedding anniversary in that bubble.

The world is going a tad crazy. It doesn’t help that the most watched YouTube video has just been announced. No, it’s not my permanently petrified pussies. It is the most annoying tune in the whole wide world. It’s a proper earworm.

Baby Shark has been viewed 7.04 billion times. You know those lyrics. Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo. Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo. And it goes on and on. Mammy shark, doo doo …

Sharks, of course, are supposed to be very intelligent. I don’t mean they could sit O-levels or anything like that. For instance, contrary to their reputation, they don’t normally attack people unless they are very hungry. They seem to enjoy company. For instance, there was the time a shark, a crocodile, and a giant spider went into a bar. That’s not a joke, by the way. That’s just a normal day in Australia.

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