I was halfway through having my hair cut when my wife told me she was using dog clippers.
Needs must in a pandemic, I say, and I could not wait any longer for our beloved hairdressers to reopen today.
Welcome back, hairdressers – you only have to look at the state of us to see how we’ve missed you.
I noticed my wife was using a nice cordless clipper with a posh-looking white ceramic case around it.
Virtually brand new and never used, so she thought why not put it to good use?
Our little dog had a natural aversion to any form of grooming by us, so the clipper stayed in its box to avoid any fuss.
The image of a poodle’s head on the handle should have given me a clue.
She moved on to trimming the top of my hair with a special set of curved chrome-tipped scissors.
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They were unusual and I had not seen them before either; ideal for trimming around awkward corners – like a dog’s chin, according to the instructions.
Yes, you’ve guessed it, they were canine grooming scissors; excellent for an equally hazardous journey around my ears.
I was so desperate I would rather have had a haircut than a pint, even if our sealed-off pandemic pubs were open.
Health warning: please don’t copy me at home – I accept no legal responsibility if you sue.
On safety grounds I did check with none other than the Wahl Clipper Corporation in Sterling, Illinois, whose founder Leo J Wahl patented an electro-magnetic clipper in 1919.
Amazingly, their online advice says you can use animal clippers on human hair, but they just don’t recommend it.
They pointed out they are designed for thicker animal fur. I had visions of a heavier cut resembling patterns left by a lawn mower.
I suspect they were nudging me to buy from their range of human clippers anyway.
I looked in our bathroom mirror from time to time to check I didn’t look like one of those dogs on television grooming contest Pooch Perfect.
The sensation felt very smooth and normal; my wife did a great job, but she declined politely when I offered to reciprocate.
Luckily it was a far cry from when my brothers and I were kids and our grandad cut our hair.
He brandished a fearsome pair of ancient manual clippers; we thought he used them to cut through barbed wire in the war.
While my wife was trimming away I gazed at a canvas print on the kitchen wall of our pet dog who died recently.
Her death was a bolt from the blue; my wife still cries from time to time when she looks at it.
The news was running on our television next to the print.
A shocking image suddenly appeared of a grinning race trainer posing on a dead horse.
His awful behaviour reminded me of those grotesque pictures of big-game hunters with their trophy kills.
You might remember how the trainer was banned by racing bosses amid a national outcry.
He said the stain on his reputation would follow him for the rest of his days; quite right too.
But staring at the images side-by-side reminded me of how much love we lavished on our dog compared to a bottomless pit of callousness some humans display towards animals.
Scottish SPCA inundated with calls as rescue centres reach capacity
With restrictions easing, I thought about the plight of pets who might be in the “care” of selfish, thoughtless owners.
A craze for puppies brought joy to bored or lonely families during lockdown. They also spawned a new breed of unscrupulous sellers keen to fleece the unwary.
Will novelty wear off and neglect set in when some families are back at work and school?
Like so many perils facing us as we emerge from lockdown their fate is in our own hands.
Animal charities say they are facing the worst rescue crisis in living memory.
Investigations into dodgy puppy sellers have also risen across Scotland.
Looking back, we could have succeeded with grooming our own reluctant dog if we had tried pleasant distraction tactics.
We are having a new puppy soon from the same reputable breeder we have known for years.
So we will be welcoming a relative of our sadly departed friend, which is a nice thought.
Maybe the first thing we should arrange is a little distraction, with our puppy watching me have my hair cut with her clippers.
I didn’t get a treat for being a good boy, in case you were wondering.
