The latest topical insight from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Davinia Smythe-Barett, ordinary mum
I’m not usually one to complain about Covid restrictions when shopping – I love the chance to show off my latest face mask and am currently rocking a Jeff Koons print design, hand-stitched by talented Peruvian orphans and which causes many a passersby to do a double take.
But, really, things have gone too far when there are unsightly gaps on the supermarket shelves. Didn’t we suffer enough by having to forgo Andrex Quilted for several months? Why is this nightmare happening again?
Well, according to my Kingswells Mums for Social Justice WhatsApp group (we’re anti-oppression, pro-prosecco), it’s partly due to Covid absences, but its also thanks to a severe shortage of HGV lorry drivers.
Much to the consternation of those of us who enjoy the fantasy of a Yorkie-biting hunk in a non-exploitative way, since Boris got Brexit done thousands of them have driven out of the UK never to return. In fact, many British nationals are taking up citizenship in European countries – who do they think they are, going over there, leaving our jobs?
I’ve heard stories of a lack of frozen food at Tesco, no snack foods in the Co-op, and a distinct shortage of wetsuits in the middle aisle of Lidl. Whatever will become of us?
Anyway, never mind the cause, I can confirm that the selection of organic vegetables in my local Sainsbury’s seems to be in terminal decline. As I said to the young person filling the shelves, it’s bad enough I have to shop there in the first place thanks to the continuing lack of delivery slots from the Waitrose in Stirling, but to be faced with a complete absence of arugula, helda beans and tatsoi is privation beyond endurance. He agreed and went in search of a supervisor. He clearly couldn’t find one, as I never saw him again, no doubt due to the pingdemic.
Apparently this is happening all over. I’ve heard stories of a lack of frozen food at Tesco, no snack foods in the Co-op, and a distinct shortage of wetsuits in the middle aisle of Lidl. Whatever will become of us?
It’s all so much harder for me, of course, as I don’t currently have the vital assistance of Snezanha (she’s Bulgarian, she’s marvellous, but she’s currently not allowed back into the country while it’s a “red zone”). As a consequence, it’s all I can do to get Emmeline and Fidel packed off to their tai chi classes in the morning before I need to pour myself a restorative glass of fizz and have a lie down.
Scotland might soon be permitting “vertical drinking” again, but I’ve been having such a beastly time of it, I can only manage it horizontal!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s medalling in things he doesn’t understand
I has been glued to the TV this last week, watching all the action from the Limpet Games over in Yoko Ono. We’ve had a decent summer here in Scotland, but the weather they’ve had there has been pheromonal! Even in the wee small hours, the sun’s still shining.
I got right into that Thai-square-go. One commentator said it was a Marischal art – and right enough I once seen a couple of boys getting torn into each other just like that on Broad Street
There’s been a carbon copier of sports on offer, and old Kenny has been enjoying some of the lesser-known events, not just the big tickets like ping-pong, paddle boats and the hop, skip and jump.
First of all, I got right into that Thai-square-go. I think it got its name from the way folk fight in the Far East. There was punches, torso kicks and even spinning head kicks. One of that helpful commentator lads said it was a Marischal art – and right enough I once seen a couple of boys getting torn into each other just like that on Broad Street.
One event what disappointed me, though, was the skateboarding. My Zander used to “board” at the Westburn Park, so I know a thing or two about this immersion sport, but the Limpet skateboarding was missing some of the key compotes of what my loon and his mates got up to. They hardly ever fell off in a heap, I never saw no one casually littering a green space, and they never looked at their phones once. Amateurs.
Another sport what I’d never not really watched properly before was the gymtastics. The world number one, Simone Biles, was in the spotlight for shrinking the spotlight when she withdrew her whole self out. She didn’t not feel her body and mind was in the sink together, and that made competing dangerous.
Like anyone who has did sport at the highest level, I had a lot of symmetry for her. During my playing days, if I ever went in for a 50/50 tackle and my head wasn’t right, someone was always going to get hurt. Specifically the other lad.
