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The Flying Pigs: The Dandies need some no-nonsense new blood – and Aberdeen City Council could use some as well

Aberdeen manager Stephen Glass during a training session at Cormack Park.
Time for the Glassman to shake things up on the pitch, write The Flying Pigs

A look back at the last week from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

Ron Cluny, official council spokesman

Douglas Lumsden’s election as an MSP has caused quite the kerfuffle in local government circles this week. Ryan Houghton was first nominated for then resigned from the office of joint council leader, with his previous comments on Muslims, homosexuality and the Holocaust coming back to haunt him. The Conservative group then declined to nominate a replacement candidate, leaving Jenny Laing co-leading with an empty chair.

The Flying Pigs

Some have indicated that this is a considerable upgrade on the previous incumbent and have expressed the hope that this enlightened approach will be used for council vacancies more generally. Others have expressed the view that it’s a pity the Tories didn’t give full disclosure about their extreme lack of leadership talent when seeking election.

All I know is that Councillor Lumsden’s ascension to Holyrood – a forum he has missed no opportunity to deride – has the potential for levels of awkwardness not seen since Ivanka Trump crashed the G20 summit. I will be getting the popcorn in.

Douglas Lumsden is never short of a pithy comment

Love him or loathe him, Douglas has never been short of a pithy comment or two. And so, by leaving his place unfilled, the Tory group is fairly taking the pith out of local politics.

Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent

I da ken aboot youse, but I’m nae really intae public art. I’ve nae hid much tae dae wi’ statues an’ a’ that since being traumatised as a wee quine by a visit tae Storybook Glen.

But I couldnae help noticing David Hockney’s new Piccadilly Circus sign his been getting pelters on Twitter a’ wik. The London Mayor his cried it “brilliant”, but a lot o’ folk disagree. It looks like it’s been drawn wi’ a wobbly pen, and the last letter is a’ ginkit, like he ran oot o’ space and hid tae pit it on the line below. Plus, it’s the same nesty purple and yella as the UKIP logo.

O’ course, a’ art is subjective, but I reckon it’s keich. In fact, my youngest, Jayden, could dae better – and often dis, wi’ his spray pint on various gable ends. But fan he dis, dis he get the Provost crying him “brilliant”? No, he disnae. He gets lifted. At’s jist double standards. At least Jayden can fit his words onto one line. Though it’s easier for him since they’re a’ fower letter eens.

O’ course, a’ art is subjective, but I reckon David Hockney’s latest is keich

But the big news ‘is wik is that fae Monday we’ll be allowed tae hug and meet indoors for the first time in eight months. Like mony folk, I have mixed feelings aboot it. Yes, it will be great tae be able to really connect again wi’ freens and femily, but at the same time it means I’ve got tae get ma hoover oot for the first time since October.

My pal Big Sonya says she’s affa keen for a hug efter sae lang, cos she’s a very tactile person. Close physical contact gi’es her fit she really needs – a big dose o’ ‘feel good’ hormones, and the chunce tae get near enough tae nab someb’dy’s wallet.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the no-nonsense football pundit who’s not afraid to get stuck in

As the curtains is drawed on the weirdest season I has ever knowed, it’s time to reflex and look back, but also to castanet to the future as well.

To be honest, the season has frizzled out like a bit of a dank squid. We was mince since the New Year, and when Dundee United gubbed us in the cup, we didn’t not have much left to play for. Hibs turning us over in midweek confirmed that the Dandies will finish fourth, what means a place in the new Europa Conference League next season, up against illuminous teams from Moldova, Kazakhstan and Yorkshire.

But this season seen the end of an earring at Pittodrie. After seven years in the hot tub, Degsy McInnes moved on to postures new. Now we’ve got our own Stevie G as the new gaffer and I hope the Glassman has got big plans to shake things up for next season. For me, to turn our squad from a team finishing comfortably fourth into a team fighting for third, we need to sign the following players:

  • A no-nonsense centre half who’s not afraid to get stuck in
  • A no-nonsense centre mid who’s not afraid to get stuck in
  • A no-nonsense centre forward who’s not afraid to get stuck in

It’s been such a weird season – I could have sweared at one point somebody said we’d signed Scott Brown! Mental.


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