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The Flying Pigs: The tyranny of souvenir shop workers has held Scotland in thrall for too long

Protesters 'seized' Edinburgh Castle recently (Photo: ExFlow/Shutterstock)
Protesters 'seized' Edinburgh Castle recently (Photo: ExFlow/Shutterstock)

The latest topical insight from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

Doddie Esslemont, radical independence campaigner

As a radical independence campaigner and Chair, Treasurer and Head of Procurement (Curly Wurly Division) of the Freedom for 39G Seaton Drive Party, I know what it is to long for the self-determination of a sovereign state.

The Flying Pigs

39G Seaton Drive has been sovereign and free since it was built by wee Shuggie and his team of cooncil joiners, and I again repudiate all suggestions that it is part of the ward of Seaton, or the city of Aberdeen, or the nation of Scotland, or of the United Kingdom, or Europe, the United Nations, or the world.

And so it was with joy and a growing sense fervour in my heart that I witnessed this week’s siege at Edinburgh Castle; although that may have been reflux after a dodgy mealie pudding. What a pleasure it was to see people stand up to the tyranny of the ticket vendors and souvenir shop workers who have held Scotland in thrall for too long, and to claim their rights under Magna Carta to this most sacred part of Scotland.

Some might say that Magna Carta has no real relevance anymore as it’s from 1215; to which I say: what does it matter that it was signed at lunchtime? Some might say that is a document of English law which came before the act of union and is therefore a strange basis on which to support Scottish independence; to which I would reply, in the words of the great Chinese philosopher Sun Tzu: “If you want to defeat your enemy, first you must become your enemy, sing his own song, bang his own drum, some think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty”.

I am going now to stage a sit-in on 39 Seaton Drive’s common drying green. Will you join me? And, if so, will you bring a picnic blanket?

How inspiring the whole event has been. How lucky we are, how blessed, to live in an age where any man can assert any thing and expect himself to be heard. So let us go! Let us go to the public places of our nation and let the strength of our voices, the spittle on our chins and the greenness of the crayons with which we write our demands be the signal of our righteousness!

I am going now to stage a sit-in on 39 Seaton Drive’s common drying green. Will you join me? And, if so, will you bring a picnic blanket? The grass is a bittie damp.

Tanya Souter, lifestyle guru

I da ken aboot youse, but I wiz affa excited tae read that the licensing board his approved the opening of a new axe-throwing bar, above Innoflate doon at the beach.

It sounds magic, diz it? Fit a stress reliever at’ll be for us parents.

Cos efter haein tae endure an oor o’ the skirling and skrecking and bouncing aboot in there, I’m ayewis ready for strong drink and the chunce tae hurl something dangerous at the wa.

I canna get my heed aroon ‘at. Gaan oot an staying sober? In Aiberdeen?

Noo, some folk might be a bittie concerned at haein bouncing kiddies and flying axes so close thegither. From my ain experience, the police, for example, and social workers can be quite pernickety about stuff like ‘at fan ye dae it in yer backie.

I did explain it wis a circus skills workshop but they still ta’en awa my Jordan’s throwing knives and made me dismantle the wall o’ death aroon the trampoline.

Licensing chiefs have approved plans for the Beach Battle Bar - complete with axe-throwing alleys - in the empty first floor bar within the Boardwalk, Beach Esplanade, Aberdeen.
Licensing chiefs have approved plans for the Beach Battle Bar – complete with axe-throwing alleys – in the empty first floor bar within the Boardwalk, Beach Esplanade, Aberdeen (Photo: Kami Thomson/DCT Media)

This new place is fit is cried a “competitive socialisation venue”. According tae a spokesman fowk these days dinna wint tae get steaming, but prefer ither “interactive activities” instead, cos they wint “an experience” fan they ging oot.

I canna get my heed aroon ‘at. Gaan oot an staying sober? In Aiberdeen? Mebbe I’m just auld fashioned, but fan I ging oot I get aff ma face as fast as possible and I ayewiz get an experience. Even if I dinna mind fit it wiz the next day, fan I wake up upside doon in a skip in somedee else’s claes.

Onywye, ye’ll hae tae pass a breathalyser afore ye can get yer haunds on ony weaponry and it’s a’ gan tae be closely supervised and sealed aff fae spectators. I think ‘at’s a shame. Some o’ my best nichts in bars his been as a spectator, watching my pal Big Sonya competitively socialise wi’ some peer mannie fa’s made fit he thocht wis a witty quip aboot the size o’ her bahoochie, and his nae idea fit he’s getting himsel intae.

So, safety is uppermost and alcohol consumption is discouraged by the responsible fowk behind this proposal for an axe-throwing venue. Fair enough, but the place is gaan tae be cried “The Beach Battle Bar”. I just hope naeb’dy gets the wrang end o’ the stick.


@FlyingPigNews

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