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The Flying Pigs: The council’s ‘ach, it’ll be fine’ mantra will get the Granite City through anything

Plans to pedestrianise Union Street have been approved despite complaints (Photo: Ion Mes/Shutterstock)
Plans to pedestrianise Union Street have been approved despite complaints (Photo: Ion Mes/Shutterstock)

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

Ron Cluny, official council spokesman

As spokesman for the current administration, it falls upon me to reassure readers following the vote to permanently pedestrianise the Market Street to Bridge Street stretch of Union Street. Please, therefore, be assured that the traditional local mantra of “ach, it’ll be fine” is the answer to any lingering doubts.

The Flying Pigs

“The middle bittie” – if I may be permitted to use technical planning jargon – is an ideal location for this decision, being closed to traffic just now anyway, and is already a focal point for many Aberdonians, particularly those with a penchant for budget fashion retailing, fast food cuisine or al fresco in-cemetery socialising.

To those who question whether this was an appropriate decision to have been made by the eight members of the City Growth and Resources Committee instead of a full council, it’s all part of our drive towards an efficient, low-carbon-footprint working environment. Just think of the savings made to the catering budget alone, with a massive reduction in required supplies of butteries and jammy doughnuts.

We do concede, of course, that it is a hugely emotive issue, which has been prevaricated and procrastinated about for nigh on 30 years now, so getting it signed off and agreed upon last thing on a Friday afternoon was just the ticket, allowing councillors to hit the pubs with a great sense of satisfaction. Well, apart from Marie Boulton, who went aff in a huff and refused tae ging to the karaoke with the rest of them.

Marie Boulton quit as council masterplan chief as a result of the Union Street pedestrianisation row (Photo: Darrell Benns)

Now, however, is not the time for division, rancour, and Abermoaning. With the vote done and dusted, there is plenty time to carefully address any concerns from those who rely on public transport to travel Union Street.

We as a council are determined to work with the affected parties here, and figure out an alternative method to get them into Markies for a scone. Ideas are at an early stage, but anyone who has visited an airport will know of the tremendous fun to be had on the moving walkways that propel you along the corridors. I shall say no more.

And, to those who say that banning vehicles permanently will cause a massive increase in traffic congestion in surrounding streets, we must remember that is just one way of looking at it.

We prefer to see it as a way of providing the commuters of Aberdeen with a much-needed chance to slow down from the bustle of fast-paced city life, and instead take in the sights and sounds of the Market Street and Guild Street area, with its colourful locals and historic pubs and harbour, as they gradually inch around the detour.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the footballer who dreams of being immobilised in bronzer

It brung a tear to my eye on Thursday when one of Aberdeen’s favourite sons was immobilised in bronze – and I don’t mean Andy Considine going for his monthly spray tan.

Denis the Menace, The Lawman himself, was back home to unveil a statue of himself in the shadow of Provost Skene’s house, in the shadow of Marischal Square. Fortunately, they didna get the same boy to do it that did Ronaldo’s one, or else he’d probably have come out looking like Rod Stewart on the cover of Atlantic Crossing.

Denis Law (right), Sir Alex Ferguson (left) and Lord Provost Barney Crockett (middle) at the unveiling of the new Denis Law statue (Photo: Ben Hendry/DCT Media)

Denis seemed right happy with the statute, although for once he was probably wide of the mark when he sayed he wished he was as big as it. Not sure he’d have had quite the same ball control if he’d been a foot and a half taller than Willem van der Ark.

The Manchester United legend was joined by none other than the man what I like to cry The Gaffer. That’s right, Fergie himself was back in the Granite City to help honour the only Scotsman who has ever won the Balloon Door, The King. How he managed to do all that while recording all those songs in Memphis has me beat.

Old Kenny is not ashamed to admit that the whole thing left me choked with emulsion. When me and my pals, Dunter Duncan and Basher Greig, retired to the Kirkgate Bar after the ceremony, we got to talking about the bountiful game.

When I described Denis Law as one of the biggest influences on my career, Dunter and Basher just about spat out their whisky chasers. Dunter turns round and says to me, he says: “Law was a silky player who could dribble and score with both feet! How come he influenced a hatchet man like you?!”

And my answer is simple. Throughout my youth, I watched Denis Law dance his way round defenders week in, week out. So, I swore blind that when I was playing, any forward what tried to make a plug out of me would get scythed down from behind. And that is what I done, repeatedly, throughout my career.

Football thanks you, Denis!


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