The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken about youse, but I hiv hid mair exciting Hogmanays than this latest een. In fact, I hinna left ma hoose since Boxing Day. Noo at’s nae like past years fan I’ve necked twa bottles o’ Baileys in a day and then couldnae move for a wik – it’s cos I tested positive for corona, did I?
At’s right, I am noo a sadistic. My hoosehold has jist spent the last 10 days in self-isolation. Like so many ithers, laid low by a variant strain o’ the virus fit has a Greek name and seems to be gaan roon ab’dy. Jist like yon waiter I got aff wi’ on holiday in Mykonos.
I tell ye fit, the Christmas telly wiznae nearly as tense and exciting as the 15 minutes after ye’ve stuck the giant earbud up yer neb and yer waiting for yer lateral flow result. That’s real suspense, ‘at. I hinna been as shocked by a line on a test since my doctor telt me: “It’s nae wind, yer pregnant.”
I stayed in ma bed and, eence the fridge wiz emptied, I stuck resolutely tae the Deliveroo diet
And I’m nae the only een. We’ve had record levels o’er Christmas, hiv we? Fit is why the message has been tae “get boosted by the bells” instead of the mair usual practice o’ getting blootered by the bells.
I did the responsible thing though. Oot o’ concern for the wellbeing of my family, I didnae leave ma room for 10 days (save for gaan tae the lavvie and fags oot the backie), so the kids hid the run of the hoose. Despite the regular screams and sounds o’ things smashing, I thought it wiz safest a’ round tae jist stay in there, so they couldnae catch nithin aff me and I widna be tempted tae throttle ony o’ them.
Instead, I stayed in ma bed and, eence the fridge wiz emptied, I stuck resolutely tae the Deliveroo diet. And I hiv tae say, it’s been magic. Nae tracchlin roon ony relatives, nae staggering aroon toon for the bells in the traditional festive sleet and, next day, nae hangover.
But that’s my isolation up noo. Though I winna be seeing onyb’dy onywye. The closure o’ shops like Debenhams, and John Lewis hiv pit the kybosh on my usual meet up wi’ ma pal Big Sonya for wir traditional New Year sales shoplifting expedition.
Still, I hiv things tae dae. I’ve jist discovered that files I wis isolating, my youngest, Jayden, read a story aboot the maist environmentally friendly wye o’ disposing o’ yer Christmas tree being tae feed it tae goats; so he rustled een fae Doonies Ferm and it’s downstairs in the living room. It’s eaten the curtains and maist o’ the sofa but hisna touched wir tree. Presumably because it’s made oot o’ metal and tinsel.
On reflection, I think I’ll jist stay in my room for anither wik.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who has had his booster
As a new year dawns, Old Kenny is still here, with his finger on the plus, to keep you up to date with the latest ongoings in the sporting world.
Poor old No-vax Choccybix is having a bit of trouble getting into the country on account of him not getting his jabs
With the omnomnicron variant of the Codona’s virus running rampart, the SPL went into their winter break early, meaning Kenny has had to get his sporting fix from somewhere elsewhere. Don’t get me wrong – I is not complaining. Checking out different sports is all part of life’s rich pungent.
The biggest sporting story unfolding at the minute is in the Australian Open tennis, because it turns out that, while the tennis might be open, the country isn’t, and not even Hawkeye can tell if the defending men’s champion is in or out.
Poor old No-vax Choccybix is having a bit of trouble getting into the country on account of him not getting his jabs. It seems that the tennis suits granted him a medicinal expectoration but, when he arrived at customs, the border suits pooh-poohed it and cancelled his Visa. That happened to me in Edinburgh once, when the lovely Melody went through our credit limit at Harvey Nichols and my card got declined in the Greyfriars Bobby.
That was bad enough, but it’s much worse for No-vax. He is currently being kept in a quarantine hotel and threatened with detonation. His fellow Siberians is raging, and say he’s being treated like a common criminal. Say what you like about the lad but, as the world number one, surely he deserves to be treated the same as a posh criminal, like an MP or a minor royal?