The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
View from the Midden with Jock Alexander
It’s been an totally rules compliant wik in the village. As sae mony of us have been obeying the rules as required, so it follows that folk here are up tae high doh aboot Boris’s latest ootrage.
There’s even mair ootrage than the previous tranche o’ ootrage over the ootrage we found oot aboot last wik. I’ve stairted pitting them a’ intae a wee bookie cos there’s been ‘at much, ye lose track. I dinna think I’m aleen.
I’ve hiv seen mair comments and funny picters (or “meems” as the young eens cry them) on the social medias aboot this een than the last een. I da ken if this shows the mood o’ the country, but it certainly suggests that much o’ the country is in a mood.
Boris says he thought it wiz a work meeting and nae a party as it wiz outside in his gairden, fit he considers an extension of his office. Weel I can relate tae this. Certainly my ain place of work is largely ootside, including, as it does several affa boggy fields.
He’s a funny sort o’ gink, is he, Rees-Mogg? He ayewis minds me on a loon fa’s dressed up in his grandad’s demob suit for the school play
And, like the attendees at the Downing Street soirée last May, I usually hiv a bucket an a. Although in my case it’s jist for pitting the sharn in.
Onywye, it’s a’ kickin’ aff wi’ the Tories. Scottish leader Douglas Ross said Boris should resign, so Jacob Rees-Moog called him “a lightweight figure”, fit I wid pit doon tae his years o’ running the lines as a fitba linesman and ref.
Then he cried the secretary o’ state for Scotland, Alister Jack, a “heavyweight”. I dinna think Jacob Rees Mogg should be fat-shamming his colleagues like ‘at. OK, he’s got a bit o’ a tummy on him, but fa disnae at oor age?
He’s a funny sort o’ gink, is he, Rees-Mogg? He ayewis minds me on a loon fa’s dressed up in his grandad’s demob suit for the school play.
On Thursday, Boris pulled oot o a trip tae Lancashire as a family member has Covid. A constant risk, given that naeb’dy kens foo mony kids he’s got. Fit a shame that he his tae stay inside in isolation jist fan he might have expected the very warmest of receptions fae the public.
But at least, efter twa years, he’s started tae obey his ain rules. Maks a fine change.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who never settled out of court
Football fans got good news this week, with Nicola Stugeron saying that we can all pile into the stands again from Monday. I’m not an expert on incommunicology, but I is delighted that the Codona’s Virus has decided not to enter football stadiums just in time for the end of the winter break.
My old mum once constipated my Mitre size five after I got mud all over her washing, so I can really emphasise with how Prince Andrew must be feeling
This is great news for the Dandies, who face The Rangers on Tuesday night in a classic three-pointer at Pittodrie.
The Rangers gets a lot of stick from the Dons fans because, while they is technologically a brand new club, they still claim all the titles what the original club won. Even the ones they got while they was fiddling their taxes.
But, inadvertently, their example could be a lifeboat for another national figure what has come a cropper.
Poor Prince Andrew has had a difficult few months. He’s had his good name dragged through the mud, had to exclude hisself from lucrative Lynx advertising contracts by admitting that he can’t sweat, and been forced to relive the hell of a trip to Pizza Express in Woking.
On top of that, the poor lad has had to hand back all of his royal and military titles to the Queen. My old mum once constipated my Mitre size five after I got mud all over her washing playing headers and volleys in our drying green, so I can really emphasise with how Andrew must be feeling.
I says to her I says: “Come on, mum, it’s only mud.” And she turns around and says: “Mud sticks, Kenneth, especially when it’s proper thick mud like that and it’s definitely your fault it’s there.”
But, if Andrew follows Scottish football, he’ll know that there is a solution. All he has to do is start calling his self “The” Prince Andrew and all that titles will be his again.