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The Flying Pigs: A cell in Peterheid Prison Museum would be preferable to a London microflat

Former prison cell or London flat for a young professional? You decide (Photo: Kenny Elrick/DCT Media)
Former prison cell or London flat for a young professional? You decide (Photo: Kenny Elrick/DCT Media)

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

View from The Midden with Jock Alexander

It’s been an exiguous wik in the village. I hiv tae be honest and say I wiz shocked by fit I seen in the news this wik. I ken it’s nae affecting wir local area specifically but, even so, it gings against a’ reason an’ sense. Fa wid believe that, in this day and age, such a thing wiz possible. We a’ thocht humanity had moved on, but we wiz sadly mistaken.

At’s richt – a tiny London “microflat” the size o’ an outside lavvy hiz selt for 90 thoosand quid.

The Flying Pigs

Noo, I appreciate that this may nae be the biggest news story of the wik, but it does reinforce the fact that the world his indeed gan “tonto”. The guts o’ a hunder grand for a space nae even big enough tae fit a hale coo!

They cry it a “microflat” because the term “bedsit” wid imply a level o’ comfort and practicality which it sadly lacks. It’s one room. The shower’s got a sink and a bog in it, there’s a mattress on top o’ some cupboards, and a microwave oven on a wee shelf.

Just thinking aboot it maks ye feel claustrophobic, yet it wiz described on the social medias as a “posh cell” . I mean I ken it’s got fower wa’s and electricity but I think “posh” is pushing it a bittie. Even the actual cells at the Peterheid Prison Museum, are a damn sight bigger. Mind you, they are in Peterheid.

Yet, incredibly, someb’dy’s pit it up for sale. And, even mair incredibly, someb’dy else his bocht it, for 80% above the asking price.

The previous owner wis letting it oot at £800 a month. Fa’s peying that for a walk-in wardrobe, I wondered? – weel, apparently it’s “suitable for a young city professional fa wid jist use it for sleeping in”.

I did point oot that there’s something o’ a dearth o’ trainee stockbrokers in Huntly”

Weel at’s richt, ye widna wint tae spend ony time there fan ye wis awake, and it’s nae ideal for entertaining. If ye asked someb’dy “back tae my place for coffee” they’d hiv tae stand ootside on the landing files ye biled the kettle.

Inevitably, Feel Moira seen this story and is noo keen tae convert some o’ her ain property intae microflats, tae be let oot tae young professionals wi’ mair money than sense. I did point oot that there’s something o’ a dearth o’ trainee stockbrokers in Huntly but, as she pointed oot, since the front o’ her byre blew aff in last wik’s storms and aa’ her coos hiv verra sensibly wandered aff in search o’ a new, less peculiar existence, she noo his the space.

And, despite my strong moral objections tae some folk taking advantage o’ ither folk fa jist need somewye tae live, efter reading a’ the ither news of this wik, I can see the attraction o’ hiding awa in a wee cupboard until it a’ blaws ower. Cheerio!

Jonathan M Lewis, local headteacher

The teaching staff here at Garioch Academy are relishing the prospect of Monday morning even more than usual this weekend, as the transition away from the Covid era hits another significant milestone.

For months now, our hormone-riddled teens have had the luxury of not needing to conceal the massive plook on a chin”

And, as “nae mask day” – as the pupils are calling it – approaches, we look forward to once again gazing out upon a sea of eager faces, thirsty for the waters from the drinking fountain of knowledge that their teacher can put a thumb over the spout of and direct at them with surprising force. When appropriate.

Don’t get me wrong, there are mixed feelings about masks becoming optional in our classrooms. For months now, our hormone-riddled teens have had the luxury of not needing to conceal the massive plook on a chin, or the appearance of bumfluff on a top lip.

Scottish school pupils will no longer have to wear face masks in classrooms from February 28 (Photo: Danny Lawson/PA Wire

They, too, might get a shock when they see their teacher’s faces in the raw. For example, the pupils have no idea that Mr Leighton of the French department has grown a questionable goatee, nor that Mr Goody has finally taken care of the prominent dental issue that led to his rather unkind nickname.

We mustn’t forget, of course, that this will also be challenging for staff. We teachers are incredibly versatile and, over the last year, have mastered the art of recognising our young learners by only the top half of their faces. Now we’ll be treated to seeing the whole jingbang.

We have given some staff training about this, and I assure parents that comments like: “So THAT’S what you look like?” and: “On second thoughts, you should keep yours on” will be kept to an absolute minimum.


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