The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle guru
I da ken aboot youse, but I wiz a bittie baffled tae see, amongst a’ the affa news gaan on of noo, that Nicola Sturgeon has officially apologised tae a’bdy fa wis persecuted under the Witchcraft Act o’ 1563. Fit’s a’ that aboot?
Is Priti Patel bringing back the Inquisition as part o’ the asylum process? Cos, ken ’is? I widna pit it past her.
OK, I ken fit went on back in them days wiz unasseptable and constitutes a hysterical injustice, but is a formal apology fae Nicola nae a bittie o’ a waste o’ time? Especially at the minute. I mean, is her in tray nae hoaching?
Diz ‘is mean I’ll get an apology aboot my leccy bill gan up 54% roon aboot the 24th century? By the by, ‘at’s day light robbery, is it? There is nae wye I wid be able tae afford ‘at if my Jordin hidna hooked us up tae next door’s meter.
Onywye, I Iooked intil it and it turns oot the Scottish Government’s apology tae witches wis a wye o’ marking International Women’s Day, because the folk the law wis used against wis basically ony lassie or wifie fa didna keep her moo shut and dae fit she wis telt.
This morning, at dawn, I stood at the top of Calton Hill with others and watched as flames consumed the figure of Agnes Sampson, a recreation staged by artist Laura Graham. pic.twitter.com/gJ26gniS9V
— Dani Garavelli (@DaniGaravelli1) March 8, 2022
Fit wi’ the hale historical apology, my kids did get affa excited and ask me if ony o’ oor ancestors wiz iver accused o’ being a witch. There is a fair chunce, as I div come fae a lang line o’ bolshie quines, but I says I couldna be sure. Records is scarce, seen as naeb’dy in my fem’ly wis able tae read or write in 1563. Actually, nae’bdy in my fem’ly wis able tae read or write ’til 1993.
Though, if truth be telt, I ayes did wonder aboot my aul’ auntie Aggie fae Portsoy. She wiz a great een for herbal remedies. She also hid a black cat, a wart on her neb and a laugh like starting a car wi’ a flat battery.
I mind eence visiting her fan I wis a bairn and she hid a great black pot bubbling awa on the stove. I say tae her: “Fit’s ‘at Auntie Aggie? It smells affa!” She looked at me wi’ a twinkle and says: “It’s cullen skink, ma quine, and it’ll ging roon yer hair like a hairy worm.”
“Is it magic?” I gasped. “Magic?” She says, wi’ a wee twinkle in her eye, “Weel, it’s nae bad. But it’s nae as fine as lentil.”
Hector J Schlenk, senior research fellow, Bogton Institute for Public Engagement
As a scientist, people frequently ask me questions like: “What are stem cells, and can I buy them on Amazon?” But, this week, they have mostly been asking me about ice. And not just when I’m ordering my beverage at the drive-through at McDonald’s.
Ice has been the toast of both the scientific and historic communities this week, following the amazing discovery of Endurance. Not the Japanese TV show where the contestants suffered inhumane cruelty, like being buried in sand, licked by reptiles or featuring on Tarrant on TV, but the ship belonging to famous polar explorer, Sir Ernest Shackleton, which has been found 10,000 feet beneath the icy Antarctic waters.
Shackleton’s story is a remarkable one. Along with his crew, he set off for Antarctica with the goal of crossing the continent, only for their vessel to become trapped in ice for months.
Eventually, the ice crushed the ship but, in spite of this, Shackleton miraculously led his entire crew to safety, apart from the ship’s cat. (Probably for the best, given the risk of it clawing a hole in the life raft.)
I only wish the water at Aberdeen Harbour were as kind to sunken objects
Shackleton’s heroism in such hostile conditions is truly remarkable, especially when you see the BMW drivers of today unable to get up the Tyrebagger in a light dusting of snow.
The Endurance has been immaculately preserved in the frigid depths of the Antarctic, as the organisms that would devour the timber frame of such a relic of a ship are not fond of the cold. I only wish the water at Aberdeen Harbour were as kind to sunken objects.
I’m ashamed to admit I dropped my phone over the edge last week, bumping into a bollard whilst doing Wordle. Suffice to say, Shackleton’s ship would have been in a sorry state if it spent as much as a few hours in the Telford dock.
Does anyone have a bag of rice? I have a popular hypothesis to test.
