The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Kevin Cash – Moneysaving Expert & King of the Grips
Fit a shame for Barney Crockett, eh? A’ he winted wiz tae hae his years o’ public service commemorated in an official portrait like a’ the ither Provosts afore him. But unfortunately, he wis getting it daen by a boy in Russia. Efter an initial sitting in Moscow last year, fan ab’dy wiz still happily pretending the country wisna rin by a murderous version o’ Dobby the House Elf, the painting remains unfinished and neither it nor the painter is allowed tae come tae Aiberdeen.
Barney had a budget o’ ten thoosand quid fae the Common Good Fund and getting it daen abroad wiz cheaper than local prices. At’s often the wye, is it? My pal Mick the Pill got his hair transplant daen in Turkey for the same reason.
Nae criticism o’ Barney, but ye hiv tae ask if the ten thoosand pound bill for an oil painting of ivery Provost might be money better spent elsewhere in a toon wi’ 20 food banks and given that we noo hae, ye ken, photographs. Tradition is important, but sometimes adopting new technologies is the smart wye tae ging.
Here’s an idea, future Provosts can hae an oil painting daen, but only if they’re prepared tae ditch the civic BMW for a horse and cart.
But if the Provost is dead set on an auld fashioned portrait, I’d dae it cheaper. I’ve a drawer full o’ ex-Sunnybank Primary colouring pens fit I’ve been using tae fill in my baldy bits so I can look under 22 and get a free bus pass. I widnae even need Barney tae sit in person, cos there are ample picters o’ him grinning broadly in the paper tae trace aroon. It’ll be no oil painting, but then again…
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s got the whole world at his foot
As the World Cup playoffs unfurled, us Scotland fans look on with mixed emulsions. On the one hand, there’s frustration that we aren’t getting to play our semi-final, but on the other foot there’s empathy for our Ukrainian opponents as they struggle with getting invaded by the Russians.
But even with Scotland sitting on the sidelights, there was plenty of talking points. The Tartan Army now know that if we get through our delayed semi in June, they have to overcome Wales for a spot at football’s top table. The Welch done brilliantly to beat Australia, who must have had a bit of jet leg after their long journey, with Gareth Bale scoring a couple of crackers to see them through. Bale is a class act, and he’s always been the Wales tele-salesman, but there’s a couple of young lads in that team who could one day take over his mantelpiece.
There’s no doubting what the big story was though. European Champions Italy was sticking North Macadamia in their playoff semi, and everyone was expecting them to coast it. But, those Macadamians was tough nuts to crack, and the Italians couldn’t hit a barn door with Captain Corelli’s mandolin. Then, the North Macadamians come up with the sucker punch goal that sent the Italians home with their pasta between their legs.
When a diddy country turns the tables on one of Europe’s big hitters like that, it just shows to go that anything is passable. But of course, it is the Ukraine situation what has been in all our thoughts and I think I speak for everyone when I say what really matters is that peace comes soon. So we can get our semi played in June, stuff the Welsh in the final and make it to a World Cup for the first time in donkeys.
J Fergus Lamont, art critic
I was part of a most exhilarating open air art event in Aberdeen’s ‘The Green’ this week. You won’t have heard of it, for it has had little, if any, publicity, but – ‘The Demolition of the Indoor Market’ may be the most dramatic public art installation I have ever seen. And I include in that 2019’s seminal ‘Oor Wullie’ trail.
A number of gigantic cranes swung like vengeful dinosaurs, clawing at the broken walls. Amidst the heady plumes of debris I gasped and applauded, as the beautiful mural of the young girl with the lighthouse emerging from her hand by Nu Artist Herakut was smashed beyond recognition while the cylindrical landmark was reduced to rubble.
I am pleased to say that I was not alone, but shared this experience with a large crowd of my fellow Aberdonians who had congregated to watch this display, in much the same way I imagine that they turned out at the Beach in 1958 to watch the burning of the trams.
It is sometimes suggested that the denizens of the Granite City tend a little towards the philistinic, so it was encouraging to see how many had gathered to contemplate this powerful metaphor for the impermanence of art. The good news is, there are enough similar concrete monstrosities in the city for this stunning event to be restaged for years to come!
Having got really quite a lot of dust in my eye, I wept.
