Warning: being a columnist is bad for your mental health.
I know enough about myself to recognise that one of my most fundamental needs is to be liked. We never know where these deep-seated values come from, but we all have them. So, if you want to break me, just tell me you don’t like me.
Due to this innate failing, when I set about writing a column my starting point is generally a quick scan of who I am about to offend.
As the years have gone by, I have pretty much realised that it’s easy to offend someone all of the time. You definitely become more aware of the world around you, and building your piece is a little bit sensory overload and a little bit terror.
The P&J put no shackles on me; they like a heads up on what I am writing about and that is all. So, this month I suggested leadership. Alex (she’s like the uber-columnist) said that sounded depressing. I fear I offended her with my lack of creativity and fun.
[Editor’s note: Thanks, James, flattery will get you everywhere.]
I then thought about life after Covid-19, then ditched that – obvious risk of offence. I’ve offended people about the tattie holidays (slave labour issue) and much more. So, as I set out on this latest piece, you can see I find myself in a defensive position.
Most of the things we worry about never happen
This week, both of my kids have had pretty major nerve-inducing activities. As a graduate of sport, I was explaining to them about nerves and why they are good and how, harnessed, they can make your performance better.
I also explained about how most of the things we worry about never happen. With that in mind, perhaps my fear about offending people is unwarranted.
Emboldened with a spirit of braveness from those chats, I now set out all my future topics that will offend but I don’t need to worry about.
Politics has a big potential offence value
Who cuts Boris Johnson’s hair? I’d be really keen to write a column on this. I don’t want to slaughter Boris, but does anyone know if he has a barber, or does his wife cut it?
The upside of this piece is entertainment, humour and self-deprecation, as my own hair is grim. However, I will be accused of being a rabid nationalist and of mocking someone’s looks. Potential offence value: 20 million people.
Why is Nicola Sturgeon so principled? I felt bad for her when she was caught not wearing a mask in the barber shop, but it is her own fault. She sets such a level of rhetoric around her positions that she’ll never be able to keep to her own standards.
The general performance of her government leaves something to be desired in almost all areas and is just defended by: “It’s Westminster’s fault.” I think this could be a great column and, done correctly, could grow the support for independence.
The downside for me is that I will be a called a fat-cat Tory boy. Potential offence value: two million people.
Local issues get backs up too
Aberdeen Football Club is going through a bad period, but is actually doing a lot right. We are going to win the league in 2026 and will have a new stadium by 2028; trust the process. I can wait for that after 30-odd years with one trophy and am quite looking forward to some summer matches versus Elgin, Peterhead and Cove.
Potential offence value: 40,000 people, but with a rather significant anger and dispute level.
Union Street doesn’t exist anymore in all but name. The choice is what you have now for a long time, or a street split into three and renamed or completely revisited.
Shops aren’t coming back to Union Street – it’s gone, dead, not happening. A new Union Street needs to be something different. I reckon 50% of the population don’ t remember C&A being on the corner.
Potential offence: 100,000 people but with low levels of anger. Also, niche hatred from folk in public and private sector as I call out some failings.
Walking the tightrope of hatred, humour and love
Masks going is brilliant and worth the risk. I attended the Chamber of Commerce awards on Friday. There were naked faces, happy smiles, beautiful people, embraces and fun. I now see a mask as a sign of oppression.
The only way around the offending people is to be boring and safe – choosing a topic so niche that you have it all stacked up with evidence and data
Potential offence value: massive. Mitigating factor: I have underlying health issues so can go for the pity angle, reducing offence level – I am willing to hold the risk so can speak from a position of understanding… I think.
The only way around the offending people is to be boring and safe – choosing a topic so niche that you have it all stacked up with evidence and data. So, forgive me, but I think I will need to continue to take a few risks of offence and walk that tightrope of hatred, humour and love.
This is not Twitter and P&J readers are people of intelligence who are up for a laugh.
James Bream is general manager of Aberdeen-based Katoni Engineering and chair of DYW North East
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