Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner.

The Flying Pigs: Barney Crockett’s Mona Lisa smile is bewitching

A designer's interpretation of how the painting of Mr Crockett would look hanging in place of the Mona Lisa in The Louvre (Photo: Shutterstock/DC Thomson)
A designer's interpretation of how the painting of Mr Crockett would look hanging in place of the Mona Lisa in The Louvre (Photo: Shutterstock/DC Thomson)

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.

J Fergus Lamont, arts critic and author of Flume with a View – The Heyday of the Beach Leisure Centre

On polling day this week it was most apt that I found myself gazing in rapturous awe at a painting with a political theme – a work of such power that I quite forgot where I was. In fact, I was in the newsagent’s, looking at the front cover of the Evening Express.

The Flying Pigs

And the painting? You will not have heard of it, for it has garnered little or no publicity, but it is a striking image of our city’s current Lord Provost. Or possibly Shrek, it’s not entirely clear.

In any event, the figure depicted on the canvas presents an intriguing mien; an expression as inscrutable as the Mona Lisa’s.

There is, perhaps, the slightest suggestion of a wry smile, though oddly not the massive grin we Aberdonians find so reassuring, and which shows the subject is having the time of his life at a particular photo opportunity.

Here, instead, is a pensiveness, a seriousness, an invitation to consider the gravity of high office. Or, possibly, it’s just indigestion.

The eye-catching front page of Wednesday’s Evening Express

However, my preference is to interpret it as the look of a man who knows that now probably isn’t absolutely the ideal moment to be unveiling a £10,000 portrait done in Russia.

I wept.

View From The Midden with Jock Alexander

It’s been a prurient wik in the village. Mindful as I am that you may be reading these words o’er yer morning rowie, I must be careful nae tae ging intae specifics, but I will say that we wis shocked fan Neil Parish MP confessed that, in pursuit o’ his interest in tractors, he hid given a hale new meaning tae the term “muck spreader”.

Folk are asking, has he no shame? Weel, if he hid, he probably widnae hiv been a Conservative MP for 25 years, but that’s by the by.

Spikkin as a fairmer masel, I dinna ken fit he wiz thinking. Surely he’ll hae ony amount o’ hedges roon his fields, the natural resting place o’ the aul-fashioned, paper-based variety o’ the kind o’ thing he wiz looking at electronically. At wid hiv been much safer. There’s mair time tae mind that you’re at your work fan yer scuttering tae unfurl a centrefold.

‘OnlyFarms’, perhaps, or maybe ‘CornHub’?

Luckily, I dinna face the same problems as Mr Parish. It taks 20 minutes for my web browser tae load, thanks tae the village’s nae-fi reception, fit is nae sae much “spotty” as “hoachin wi plooks”. Niver mind GIFs and PDFs, My AOL online connection gings doon if someb’dy sends me an email wi’ a lang word in it.

Former MP Neil Parish claimed he was searching for tractors when he ended up viewing pornography in the House of Commons (Photo: Ian Hinchliffe/Shutterstock)

Fit baffles me is, if he wiz looking at a website wi tractors on it, and it wiz but a slip o’ the thumb that resulted in him ending up in the muck, on anither site fit had a “very similar name” (fit he had tae watch, for 10 minties, in public, jist tae mak absolutely sure) fit wiz the first een he wiz on? “OnlyFarms”, perhaps, or maybe “CornHub”?

And so noo, of course, he’s driven a Massey Ferguson through his ain career. Of course, fit really surprised me aboot the hale cairry on is that, unlike ab’dy else in the government, he actually admitted tae a wrongdoing and resigned. Ye winna get nae wye in politics these days wi’ that attitude. Cheerio!

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s kicking off!

Could this season get any worser?! It’s bad enough that The Dandies has had a stinker and wound up in a regulation dogfood – but some of the European developments this week has made my blood broil.

First off, as a result of the war in Ukraine, all the Russian teams has been given the dunt from next season’s competitions. This means the Scottish champions – Celtic – will get straight into the group stages of Champions League.

This is a disaster for Scottish football, as it means they’ll be raking in the money next season and we don’t get to laugh when they get knocked out in July by a diddy team from Norway.

Last week Aberdeen effectively killed off the danger of being dragged into a relegation play-off with a 1-0 defeat of Dundee (Photo: SNS Group)

Then things got truly out of hand on Thursday night, when The Rangers went and beat RB Leipzig to qualify for the Europa League final. I was in such a rage, my Melody says to me, she says: “Kenny, you’ll bust a blood vessel – you need to go to your happy place!”

Fair play to her for trying to lift my spirits, but it was far too late for a round of golf.

To make matters worserer, Melody tried to cheer me up by telling me she’d booked us a surprise city break for a couple of weeks’ time. The only problem is, it’s in Seville. Aye Camembert!

  • See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24

@FlyingPigNews

Already a subscriber? Sign in

[[title]]

[[text]]

Conversation

[[title_reg]]

Please enter the name you would like to appear on your comments. (It doesn’t have to be your real name - but nothing rude please, we are a polite bunch!) Use a combination of eight or more characters that includes an upper and lower case character, and a number.

By registering with [[site_name]] you agree to our Terms and Conditions and our Privacy Policy

Or sign up with

Facebook Google

[[content_reg_complete]]

[[title_login]]

Or login with

Forgotten your password? Reset it

[[title]]