The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I thocht last wik’s local elections wiz a total wash oot. Far wiz the drama?
There wiz naeb’dy shouting abuse at the polling stations, nae claims o’ widespread voter fraud and nae angry punch-ups at the results. Though, in fairness, I wiznae there tae start ony. It jist shows ye foo scunnered folk are aboot politicians these days.
And yon multiple choice voting system didnae help, did it? Foo are ye supposed tae pit the candidates in order o’ preference fan ye dinna like naen o’ them? And, at the end o’ the day, surprise, surprise, it’s a’ the same fowk fit got back in. Apart fae Alan Donnelly, obviously.
Of course, I niver voted masel. I am een o’ the silent majority fa is happy tae let ither folk dae the actual voting so we can then moan aboot the cooncil for anither five years, secure in the knowledge that fitiver feel ideas they get up til, it’s nae oor fault.
I did try voting the last time, but I didnae fill in the form richt. I ken yer meant tae write a number in the wee boxes, but I jist couldnae resist daein a wee picter instead. Apparently if you draw that next tae a cooncillor’s name, that means it disnae coont.
At the time o’ writing, naebdy is in overall control o’ wir city cooncil. This means they will hiv tae share power, fit is kent as a collision.
Meantime, there’s secret meetings tae decide fa’s gan tae be fit and, generally spikkin, naebdy kens fit the hells gan on. So, nae change there.
Nae that the national politicians is ony better. I seen Michael Gove on breakfast telly the ither day.
He’s been affa quiet lately, but there he wiz, bouncing aboot and daein funny voices wi’ his tie a’ skew-whiff. I thought tae masel: “Aye, aye, someone’s clearly hid anither late nicht at O’Neill’s!”
View From The Midden with Jock Alexander
It’s been an aeronautical wik in the village. The Royal Mail wints tae soar into the 21st century by getting itsel’ a fleet o’ 500 “unmanned aerial vehicles” tae deliver mail tae remote communities. But, we in the village hiv concerns.
They can send remote control spaceships oot tae Mars nae bother, but this is Meiklewartle we’re spikken aboot
I’m nae the only een worried aboot the prospect o’ drones zooming aboot the place wi’ my Damart catalogue clutched in their metallic claws. O’ course, we are used tae wee hovering things oot here, so I pity the drone fit buzzes aboot in the vicinity o’ Feel Moira, fa will nae hesitate tae knock it oot o’ the sky wi a massive fly swatter, fashioned fae a snaa shovel.
Are these drones battery powered, and fit happens fan they’re oot o’ range o’ their controllers? I mean, OK, they can send remote control spaceships oot tae Mars nae bother, but this is Meiklewartle we’re spikken aboot.
The closest thing we get tae a mobile signal is the bell on Skittery Wullie’s bike. They’ll be drapping oot of the skies onto fowk’s nappers.
But, maist of aa, we dinna like the idea o’ mail arriving promptly via robot instead o’ the alternative – mail nae arriving at a’. There’s an affa lot o’ fowk in the village wi’ an affa lot o’ unpaid bills fit we’ve only been able tae blissfully ignore seeing as we niver get nae reminders.
Cheerio!
Davinia Smythe-Barratt, ordinary mum
It’s never been tougher to be an ordinary mum. The cost of living is soaring, but these rising costs go beyond the weekly shop and energy bills that the media focus on.
Nobody mentions the other things that are mounting up for ordinary mums like me, such as au pairs’ wages and farrier’s fees for our daughter Emmeline’s horse, Mandela.
As the cost of living crisis deepens, I’ve had to make some tough decisions. I’ve had to stop ordering my Palestinian olive oil. We’ve let the groundsman go, so Snezhana (she’s Bulgarian, but she’s marvellous) is having to double up as au pair and gardener. And, perhaps most traumatically, I’ve been charging the Tesla in Tesco’s car park.
Anyway, back in the land of the Times Money section. These folk are keeping it real and giving us tips to beat the credit crisis.
I particularly enjoy ditching the Audi for a Tesla pic.twitter.com/tx39HzKiZj— leah stalker (@LeahEStalker) January 15, 2022
Frankly, I’m surprised we haven’t had a revolution! I was reminded of Marie Antoinette this week when, with all this going on, I saw the announcement of the “Platinum Jubilee pudding”, of all things.
Frustratingly for a diehard Republican like myself who views the royal family as an imperialist throwback to a feudal past best left in the dark ages, the lemon and amaretti trifle looks absolutely divine. Sponge soaked with lashings of almond liqueur? Yes, please!
I’ll have Snezhana knock one up as soon as she’s finished laying the patio.
- See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24
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