The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Struan Metcalfe, MP for Aberdeenshire North and surrounding nether regions
Crazy times this week, down in “that London” for the vote of confidence in old Boris on Monday night. It was a secret ballot, but I don’t mind telling you which way I voted – I backed The Beast!
Bit of a cock-up, that, as it turns out. I got the memo from Dougie Ross in the Scottish Tories WhatsApp group – “You all know my feelings on this” – and thought that meant: “Save Big Dog, there’s a war on!”
Turns out, Doug had changed his flip-flops since then, and he wanted us to vote against.
Jeepers creepers, though, it feels like the whole world is out to get the PM, what? If it’s not the woke brigade of our own party brazenly saying they want him to push off, it’s hoards of lefty royalists booing him at the Jubilee church service.
So, it was great to see Dominic Raab-to-the-bone coming out in support of the boss. The whole cabinet must have got that memo – “Keep saying Boris got the big calls right”. Though… quite what these “big calls” were is anyone’s fruit loaf.
Did he pick the winner of Britain’s Got Talent? Maybe he’s got two large mates, both called Colin? Or, do they mean the time he called a taxi for Michael Gove when he started doing his hilarious accents at the Downing Street Christmas booze-up?
A lot of the BoJo baiters like to suggest that the PM is a stranger to the truth. So, let me be absolutely clear: Boris and the truth are not strangers – far from it, they have had long and eventful relationship. Much like the one between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.
I mean to say, who hasn’t told the odd little pork pie from time to time? Yes, he’s been caught lying and misleading parliament, but you really have to respect is his ability to style it out, carry on and act as if no one has noticed.
It’s the political equivalent of dropping one in the lift and looking accusingly at the person next to you. Classic Bozza!
Kevin Cash, money-saving expert and King of the Grips
I wiz shocked tae see that petrol prices had their highest daily rise in 17 years this wik. Wi the average price nearing £2 per litre, it’s noo gan tae cost £100 to fill up an average vehicle.
My pal Mick The Pill says he’s feeling lucky, since his van is very much below average. But it’s dark days for onyb’dy winting tae “floor it”, unless by that they mean pitting their feet through the chassis and running like fit they dae in The Flintstones.
There’s nithin ye canna dae wi the bottom o’ a fish crate and fower pram wheels, especially if ye lash it tae a pack o’ hungry dogs and shout ‘mush!’
It’s gan tae be a massive expense for motorists, and that’s jist the cost o’ frantically driving aroon toon trying tae find the cheapest prices.
Result? Folk’ll hoard their petrol and winna ging tae fill up sae much, fit will impact on me, as I winna be able the hing about in garage forecourts flogging jerrycans full o’ gravy. Though that’s probably jist as weel as my watter’s been cut aff and hiv ye seen the price o’ Bisto?
So, fit can ye dae? Weel, nae much. OK, these days ye can get a car fit runs on electricity, but they’re nae cheap neither. Plus there’s nae enough recharging points oot there. And fit are ye meant tae dae fan ye live on the 14th fleer o’ Kincorth Land? Dangle an extension cable oot yer windae?
So, here’s my advice – ditch the car a’thegither. It’s nae jist the price o’ fuel; wi the state o’ the roads in Aiberdeen and the fact that we’re getting a low emission zone fit will ban auler cars fae the city centre, it’s jist nae worth it. Let’s aa ging for the best petrol-free alternative – cairties.
Tried, tested and traditionally hand built by faithers and grandfaithers oot o’ bits and pieces they’ve found in skips, cairties wis eence a common sicht on wir streets – alang wi’ bobbies on the beat, the Bon Accord lorry, and rickets.
There’s nithin ye canna dae wi the bottom o’ a fish crate and fower pram wheels, especially if ye lash it tae a pack o’ hungry dogs and shout “mush!”
Of course, as wi’ ony alternative form o’ transport, there is teething troubles, and mines is trying tae stop my grunny’s shitzu and my ma’s labradoodle trying tae hae their conjugals fan I’m needing tae ging tae the bookies.
But that’s the beauty o’ a cairtie, it can also ging dog-free. Ye jist hiv tae plan yer journey so ye only ging doonhill. Luckily, that’s the direction the hale country’s gan of noo.
- See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24
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