The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
View From The Midden with MTV’s Jock Alexander
It’s been a melodious wik in the village. I see a bourachie o’ six MPs and MSPs hiv backed a potential bid for Aiberdeen to host the Eurovision Song Contest in 2023, and hiv called on the BBC to consider it as a potential host city fit could “match ony in the world”.
Certainly, it wid be a golden opportunity for fowk worldwide tae find oot that the Granite City exists, and tae hae it patronised (in a’ senses o’ the word) by Graham Norton, and hae a load of media fowk discover there is actually something north o’ Edinburgh.
Aiberdeen has a massive 15,000-seater venue that wid be keen – some wid say desperate – tae be filled by an event of this magnitude. And, of course, there is the exciting opportunity tae let thousands of potential visitors to the city experience for theirsel jist fit a scunner it is tae get a bus a’ the wye oot tae Bucksburn.
Weel, I canna see it masel. Surely, if the BBC would ging for onywye north of Glasgow (which they winna), even if they did ging north of London (which they winna), the best location for it is Meikle Wartle!
Ye could hae yer thumping beats as loud as ye wint cos there’s naeb’dy for miles aroon tae moan aboot the noise
OK, we dinna hae a world-class stadium complex, but we do hiv acres and acres o’ Affa Boggy Fields fit could accommodate thoosands o’ folk. Just as long as they dinna need tae move aboot, cause by the time we’ve hid twa songs oot o’ the 25, the hale crowd will hiv sunk in up tae their unkles.
OK, the public transport system oot here is even mair inadequate than Aiberdeen’s. But, Haldie Winton’s got a trailer for the back o’ his Massey Ferguson and he can easy tak the spectators oot in shifts fae the park and ride at Ellon.
Wi’ the contest held in May, there’s at least a 7% chunce that it winna be lashing rain but, if they need a covered area, Skittery Wullie has a load o’ tarpaulin fit has recently been up o’er the village square for the open-air pandemic drinking. Failing that, we can fit a fair few folk in the sewage works.
Skittery Wullie could host. He disnae need an autocue cos he canna see mair than twa feet in front o’ him and, crucially, he’s cheaper than Robbie Shepherd. He can be ably assisted by his glamorous assistant, Feel Moira, fa wid also double as venue security.
Ye could hae yer thumping beats as loud as ye wint cos there’s naeb’dy for miles aroon tae moan aboot the noise.
And, fan it comes tae the UK entry, we are weel placed tae deliver a number in the traditional format o’ a song fit utilises traditional instrumentation files somebody skrechs awa in an incomprehensible accent, seeing as I wiz the Huntly and Insch Bothy Ballad champion, 1972. We can finally be sure o’ a win wi’ my high NRG euro disco mix o’ The Muckin’ O’ Geordie’s Byre!
Davinia Smythe-Barratt, ordinary mum
Regular readers will know that I am a lifelong supporter of the underprivileged, both here and abroad. You may recall that we sponsor a little boy in South Africa. It’s only a few pounds a month to us, but what a difference it makes to him. His name is Joost van der Beek. Not so little now, as it happens – runs his own engineering consultancy.
It really sticks in my craw that we had no other option but to send my son down in the Discovery with our au pair, Snezanha at the wheel
I’m a firm believer in social justice and the power of the people. Whenever any workforce rises up against their tyrannical overlords, I am metaphorically with them, metaphorical placard in hand, standing metaphorically next to the brazier and singing the metaphorical Red Flag.
So I am, of course, resolutely in favour of the rail workers’ efforts to secure better pay and conditions. But, what they failed to consider is that this weekend is an absolute nightmare for us transport-wise.
My son, Fidel, was due to travel to the Greenpeace climate action camp at Faslane on Thursday for a summer full of protesting and demonstrating (but a bit light on bathing). I had him booked on the train south only for the entire network to shut down.
It really sticks in my craw that we had no other option but to send him down in the Discovery with our au pair, Snezanha at the wheel (she’s Bulgarian, but she’s a lifesaver). That’s nearly £150 worth of fuel. Not to mention the time it took.
There’s a lot of cooking and cleaning and so on that, because Snezanha wasn’t there do it, automatically fell to – you guessed it – muggins here to remind her to do when she got back.
It does seem unfair but, as I explained to her – it’s all about solidarity. Power to the people!
- See The Flying Pigs live in The Rothienorman Picture Show at HMT Aberdeen from September 21 to 24