The cost of living continues apace with just petrol and diesel prices easing a wee bit.
Meanwhile, many brands are much cheaper in Europe. Ikea is one retailer where some products cost more for UK customers. Their best-selling two-seat Klippan sofa costs almost a third more for UK consumers at the equivalent of 327 euros, compared to just 249 euros in France. They were virtually the same price two years ago? Is that due to Brexit or something else? Go whistle for the answer.
Klippan is Swedish for a cliff and it is also a place name. It is something else in Gaelic. Let’s just say it’s a childish name for a body part and to see it on a sofa must have brought a wry smile to the face of many a teuchter. Er, that’s nothing to do with the cost of living. Sorry for mentioning it.
The world is changing fast. Two years ago just now, we were told we couldn’t travel more than five miles. This year we can’t afford to travel more than five miles. At least the cost of being sick is not going up here, thanks to the NHS. Many other places such as France and Germany have a combination of state assistance and private healthcare. Russia now also has free healthcare.
Vlad – you’re on our list
Hey, Vladimir Putin. How’s it hanging, dude? You’re not daft so I think you read the Press and Journal every Wednesday. I think it’s about time I gave you a mention. What’s all this about you putting Brits on a blacklist blocking them getting into Russia. Do you really think they want to visit now?
Who do you think you are? You’re like yon German submarine commander in Dad’s Army in the 1970s. “Fot is your name?” “Don’t tell him, Pike.” “Ah, Pike. Put him on the list.” You are just a comedy character, except you are far from funny. And, by the way, don’t even think of a holiday here in sun-soaked Stornoway. You’re on our list. So there.
Let’s see your list. Keir Starmer and Piers Morgan. Let them in. We don’t want them here so you’d be doing us a favour. Since Starmer turned against rail workers striking for better pay and conditions, and sacked MP Sam Tarry for his picket line appearance, Starmer is persona non grata round here. He is giving it the big I am and acting like one of your oligarchs. You can have him. Nobody wants Piers Morgan either – not even the few who tune in to TalkTV.
Have you put someone called B. Johnson on that list? You have? Yeah, that’s fine. No problem. You could just let him in and keep him there.
Is it just nationalists on Russia blacklist?
I see you’ve also banned a few Scots. Actually, you banned Nicola Sturgeon in April but you’ve now shown the no-fly card to Angus Robertson, Fiona Hyslop, and Westminster SNP leader Ian Blackford. Is it just nationalists who can’t go to Vladivostock, Vlad? I see you’ve given LibDem leader Alex Cole-Hamilton a stay-at-home order. He says it is a badge of honour. And I see former Nato secretary general George Robertson on the list.
George Robertson? Are you mad, Vlad? Don’t answer that. George is from Islay. I shared a helicopter with him from Stornoway to Skye once. It must have been before the 1997 election. Friendly enough cove. Only one reporter was allowed on with him and I won the draw. He was expecting me to grill him about Labour promises on education, education, education, Cherie Blair and Gordon Brown. All I did was clutch a sick bag – in case he was sick, not me. So he doesn’t travel well anyway. We landed in a field outside Portree and he lost a shoe in the mud. George suffered enough. Get him off the list.
It wasn’t on my immediate vacation to-do list. https://t.co/DKSpcWN3EX
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) August 1, 2022
What do you mean, no? Listen here, I am trying to do the best for everyone. You do as I say or you can put me on your silly little list and all. See if I care. You, you are nothing. Nothing but a silly submarine commander. How would Private Pike put it? “Whistle while you work, Putin is a twerp. He’s half-barmy, so’s his army. Whistle while you work.”
Talking of whistling, did you hear about the pirate who trained a whale to come when he whistled? One day, he heard a Russian navy captain whistling in exactly the same way. Sure enough the big orca surfaced and swam over to the Russian ship, not to the pirate’s.
Furious, the pirate fired all cannons and blew the Russian ship in half. In his utter euphoria, he screamed out: “Sank you.” As he disappeared beneath the waves, the Russian captain was heard calling back: “Your whale come.”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
Conversation