I don’t wish to sound paranoid, but I think there is something watching me from under our garden decking.
Our local Mr Fox thinks the same because he keeps trying to get in to have a look under there, too. So I don’t think my mind is playing tricks.
Mr Fox was so keen, he attempted demolishing our garden fence to get in.
After trying to burrow through without success he turned his attention to stripping wood off our fence to make a hole, but it looked as though he had given up – for the time being.
He had obviously put in quite a long shift: there were distinctive black poo droppings, but mercifully no signs of any belongings to indicate he was thinking of moving in permanently with the rest of his family.
I had to admire his building skills: he created a neat, perfectly-shaped hole that reminded me of an arched opening for a front door. Oh no, he could be moving in after all – it was time to hit back.
Transforming into Boggis, Bunce and Bean
I was transforming into psycho farmers Boggis, Bunce and Bean from the brilliant animated film Fantastic Mr Fox, with George Clooney voicing the four-legged hero.
I didn’t want to kill Mr Fox like them, just persuade him to go away. They shot off his tail at one point, which Bean wore as a trophy by turning it into a necktie.
Yes, the best kids’ stories are the grisliest and Roald Dahl doesn’t disappoint. If you go online you can see imitation tails being sold as Fantastic Mr Fox fancy-dress ties.
We could have a psychological discussion about people who adorn themselves with animal body parts, but I don’t think there is room here.
A few days ago, the SSPCA warned us to protect wildlife from summer paraphernalia like paddling pools and football nets which clutter our gardens. It’s a serious point: some creatures can drown or become tangled and die.
I once left a paddling pool out all night and by morning it had mopped up most of the insect population of our garden. I thought I had upset the environmental balance of our locality for a while.
How do you stop unwanted animal guests?
We’ve had all sorts turn up in our garden: a gaggle of posh geese, for example. They waddled in followed soon after by their sweating owner who had lost them; he bred them, but we didn’t like to ask what for.
And once there was a mink which sprang from under our shed. It stood on hind legs, stuck out the tufty white bit under its chin and smiled at us – or was it baring its fangs?
How did it get there? Was it an escaped pet?
Great mounds of earth were dug up as Mr Fox tested my defences; he wasn’t just cunning, he was angry too
How do you stop unwanted guests in the first place rather than roll out the red carpet? Like Mr Fox. He had unfinished business: I reckoned he would clock on for another shift to construct his door that very night.
So I quickly nailed over the gaping hole with new wood and gave it a fresh lick of paint.
I took some advice from those in the know about keeping foxes at bay: a dusting of cayenne pepper, chilli powder and garlic was required along the base of our fence.
Mr Fox tested my defences
Job done, I sat down to watch Fantastic Mr Fox again on Netflix, I think, with my nine-year-old grandson and a feeling of contentment.
But I was slightly uneasy when the credits rolled. George Clooney’s words were ringing in my ears as Mr Fox boasted: “I have this thing where I need everybody to think I’m the greatest.”
The next morning I was delighted to see my repair work remained intact. But the rest of the fence looked as though it had been targeted by a B52 bomber. Great mounds of earth were dug up as Mr F tested my defences; he wasn’t just cunning, he was angry too.
And with the ineffective powders I scattered he could have rustled up chilli con carne while he was at it.
There are bigger lessons here, not least of which is how Dahl’s classic story from half a century ago remains sharp and relevant today on many levels.
For example, themes of technological advances destroying the environment and catastrophic effects on nature. Just look at the world heating up and killer floods across Europe.
I have now invested in decorative boulders; they are my “Berlo-Mex” wall.
Mr F hasn’t been back – yet. But I wonder if Mr Mink is under the decking.
David Knight is the long-serving former deputy editor of the Press and Journal
