Bingeing is the new normal in this house.
It is all about excess, recklessness and not caring.
Yep, that’s us. Myself and herself have taken to sinking into the upholstery and not caring about the dishes.
The custard creams are in my left hand and I binge with my right hand.
No, not whisky, vodka or brandy – although there have been times in the last couple of months when I have been tempted – but on a TV series. In my right hand is the remote control.
You think we have started streaming these famous box sets like The Sopranos, Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad?
Mais non, monsieur.
Just because the rest of the world is streaming fancy classics, the only streaming here is the coffee from the percolator as we fast-forward through the commercial breaks.
Remember them? We do not even have to connect to Netflix for our fix of the greatest detective in the world – according to himself, anyway.
A creation of crime writer Agatha Christie, Hercule Poirot is back on the box.
If you switch to ITV3 at any time of the day or night, the chances are you are never more than a few hours away from David Suchet as the slightly pompous Belgian sleuth.
We really did not appreciate the fastidious wee cove when it was repeated the first seven times.
Now the virus has led us to discover him and his dozy sidekick, Captain Hastings.
In her novels, Ms Christie had a way with words like no one else when describing the ultra-prim and proper Hercule. Her descriptions can have you in stitches.
Such as: “Hercule Poirot addressed himself to the task of keeping his moustaches out of the soup.” She has even been known to dole out marriage guidance advice to squabbling couples.
She suggested men should take up the study of old fossils.
There was a reason, as she added: “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” Brilliant.
Her creation Hercule looks for clues with “his little grey cells”, is upset when mistaken for being French, and hindered by the hapless Hastings.
Poirot was on the air for 13 series with about 70 episodes, each adapted from a novel or a short story.
Most are an hour long but some of the most gripping last more than two hours. Have a wee binge.
We will soon be fossils ourselves because I get a feeling we are going backwards.
I distinctly remember, about 25 years ago, seeing a prediction by an eminent board of boffins that by 2020 space travel would be a reality and cars would fly.
What have we actually got? We have lessons from the government on how to wash our hands. Pfft.
The UK Government’s not making a good fist of things either.
Boris is lifting restrictions here and there but is not giving businesses the chance to prepare.
Nor is he telling the other nations in the UK about his plans. It is a fiasco for those who have to cross the borders for work.
Are his advisers poor or is he just not listening to them? Poor fellow, he has a
lot on his plate – herself indoors and baby Wilf.
Downing Street is giving out a lot of mixed messages. You can go to work, you can see one relative but they won’t reveal the science around how they made that decision.
Meanwhile, our Nicola is sticking to her guns. “Stay in yer hoose until I tell ye to go oot. Right? You wanna go oot? Ye can go roon’ the corner but I want youse back indoors in five minutes.”
She is beginning to sound more like that comedian Janey Godley, who takes the mickey out of her most days on social media. Watching Godley’s vids helps pump out your respiratory system.
Fossils or not, some of us are losing track of the days and weeks. It’s not easy to keep up with the clock, or even the calendar.
Just going out and talking to other human beings is a bit of a challenge.
In my case, that’s probably because I am not used to hearing anyone else except Mrs X – and actor David Suchet who plays Hercule Poirot, of course.
I was in the chemist and asked the assistant: “What is the best thing to get rid of coronavirus?” She politely said: “Ammonia cleaner.”
I then replied: “I’m so sorry. I thought you were the pharmacist.”
Depending on who you listen to, social distancing is going to be with us for ages. The new normal is going to be tough.
Mrs X takes it every seriously. She reckons two metres is the absolute minimum and we should, in fact, be further apart.
She has just come back from her daily walk – her permitted exercise. She was glowing. I stared deep into those blue eyes and my heart leapt.
I then saw that familiar soft smile playing upon her lips and thought to myself: “These are really powerful binoculars.”
