Someone was pulling my chain, I thought. People who had a certain brand of remote-controlled vacuum cleaner were reported to be complaining it was acting oddly.
Oddly? It just so happens I knew someone with one of these devices after her husband thought her big birthday was the time to give her practical help with the hoovering. Oh, you old romantic, Murdo.
Their marriage somehow survived the gift of a battery-powered floor cleaner. Rhoda had explained it was “useful”. She made sure it was charged and let it loose.
“It goes around sucking and brushing and by the time it’s finished there is very little left for me to do.”
So, after seeing the news on Monday, I called her and asked if she’d had problems with her iRobot Roomba after the latest problematic software update.
She would tell me when she found it because it had shot out the door half an hour before and hadn’t been seen since.
The supposedly smart sucker-up was rescued by the postie. He’d spotted it in a drain after it whirred out the gate.
Like a Dalek, if an iRobot cleaner falls on its side it can do nothing but screech. Maybe it was saying “ex-ter-min-ate” or “rev-erb-e-rate” – because it did.
The postie thought the mini-Dalek was going “ur-i-nate” but that was because of water from the plant pot it knocked over. Not so smart now, sucker.
Our kids are getting smarter, though. They are getting better at reading – and it’s all because of lockdown. Apparently, more kids’ TV programmes are using subtitles these days and they are improving literary skills.
Tests and surveys prove it every time. Even if we find subtitles annoying, we can’t help but read them and the word formations stick in our grey matter – at any age, apparently.
Sometimes we need subtitles. So many actors mumble. Marlon Brando was the worst and tried to claim it as his trademark. Sylvester Stallone in every Rocky film, Tom Hardy, and everyone in that series Broadchurch. Mumble, mutter, whisper.
Project to the back of the room, dahlings. Who taught you lot to act? Standards are obviously going down the Swanee River at the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland and Rada.
Subtitles can be hilarious on live interviews – like Question Time. Live subtitling is by the best in the business but they make a hash of it, too.
One news programme claimed “US President Obama shot by US Navy Seals”. Think that may have been Osama bin Laden. In another, visitors to a farm complained of pigs chewing their footwear, specifically a word similar to wellies, and the poor old Archbishop of Canterbury came up as the arch-something which began with the letters bi… How embarrassing.
Rhoda’s runaway robot hoover is one more salutary reminder that machines are taking over.
We got a car six months ago but only now am I learning to work it. Having just got round to reading the manual, there are amazing features that I had no idea were available.
Now our Nissan switches things on and off for me and tells me what to do. It turns the wipers on if it rains and dips the headlights if it sees a car coming.
It almost tells me what to think. It announces my tyres need air without me having to venture out in the rain at the filling station.
It notifies me if I go too near the car in front, it beeps if I reverse close to a wall, it beep-beeps me to slow down if I go too fast. Constant nagging, basically.
Beep. Beep-beep yourself, you stupid metal box on wheels. Just kidding. You’re only trying to keep me safe.
Our car does nag a lot but not so much as someone else I could name.
When we’ve been on a journey with me driving, it’s always been beeping this and beeping that.
No, not the Nissan. I mean Mrs X. Now the poor damsel can’t get a word in edgeways. Love it.
That’s given me a wee idea. I heard Nicola Sturgeon saying a while back that Scots should be free to marry anyone they wish. What about any “thing” they wish?
Just imagine: “Do you, Iain Maciver, take Miss Qashqai to be your lawful wedded vehicle from this day forth, to have and to beep, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in garage…”
Oh yes!
