Imagine you were on holiday on an island in a country far, far away and you could not get off that island when you wanted to because the ferries were badly run.
Most of the ships were broken and there was a backlog running into weeks to get some types of vehicles on and off. How shambolic would that be?
Imagine you were stuck like that and you saw 20 large ships out at sea. Would you ask whether any of them be used to help get people back and forth?
What if then you discovered these ships and ferries were managed by two governments who both claimed to run services well. How would you feel? You’d want to bang their heads together.
But these governments are bitter rivals who are somewhat deaf and don’t talk to each other. This is not a catastrophe in a struggling island nation run by tinpot dictators who care only for themselves. This the Outer Hebrides today.
Shambolic ferries aren’t big news nationally
News editors are being somewhat deaf. The situation just makes wee snippets on the Scottish news. Our dire situation doesn’t trouble London newsrooms furiously regurgitating press releases from a plethora of government departments about how well they are doing.
Some papers are, of course, basing entire front pages on entirely predictable tweets by ousted malcontent Dominic Cummings. That’s big news, apparently.
What 20 large ships, you ask? This is Exercise Strike Warrior 21, one of the largest military exercises of its kind ever held. It actually had 31 warships in the war games, but only 20 were ours.
Now if it was our navy under the command of our Lady Admiral Sturgeon of the Scottish Fleet, then who knows? I am just off the phone to Nicola’s office. Her secretary said she was in Communi Cardo. Didn’t they have a Eurovision entry this year?
Nil points (again)
You knew I would get round to it. Just as many are now speculating that Scotland would get far more than “nil pwah” if it had its own entry.
So let me tell you what happened in Eurovision. The UK didn’t win. Zero pwah. What on earth has the UK done to annoy the rest of Europe? Apart from telling them for the last five years that the UK wants nothing whatsoever to do with them?
Maybe we need a fresh look at our contestants. We’ve had a couple of Scottish ones – Lulu and Kenneth McKellar. He sang A Man Without Love, a dreary dirge. At least he got Ireland’s vote. Lulu Boomed Bang-a-Bang – and won in 1969.
Now we need authentic performers who may not be polished, melodic or slick giving it laldy in native tongues.
I think we need a memorable group with amazing smiles and wide personalities, or the other way round. Now I can’t get the thought of mega-authentic Hebridean folk trio Peat and Diesel out of my head. Their lyrics would dumbfound even Graham Norton.
“Salt and pepper, Justin Bieber
Salt and pepper, cup of tea
Cuppa mo sheanair (A cup for my grandfather)
A little bit of salt and a little bit of pepper
And a little bit of salt and sugar in your tea
A cuppa for myself
And a cuppa for mo sheanair”
They’d understand Boydie’s lovingly-crafted outpourings in San Marino – almost. Send emails to Eurovision to put their name forward and to Ken Bruce and all the DJs at Radio 2 to get it onto their playlist. It worked for Skerryvore and their song You and I a while back.
Bad breath is taking the magic out of hugs
Good friends everywhere now are meeting up again after more than a year without hugs. Just an air hug is fine for You and I. I will tell you why – it’s that bad breath again. It seems most people have developed a taste for garlic and raw onions during lockdown.
It seems most people have developed a taste for garlic and raw onions during lockdown
Finally, thank you to my secret informant in South Uist who told me about Mary, a lady of a certain vintage. She’s in her 70s. Bad breath or not, she wanted to resume hugging a somewhat older and somewhat deaf bodach called Joseph who lives near her. After not seeing him for so long, Mary turned up at his door in a slinky black dress last week.
When he opened the door, Mary says: “Joe, I’ve missed you. I’m here to give you super love all night long.”
Joseph replied: “Oh m’eudail. I think I’ll just have the soup.”