Some don’t like it too hot.
Exceptionally sunny weather saw Aberdeen predicted to be the hottest spot in the country on Tuesday. Typically, this promise went unfulfilled, but still, fit a heat, eh?
Ron Cluny, Council Spokesman
For those of us in local government, there are pros and cons to the heat. It’s true that fresh cracks can appear in recent road repairs if the surfaces get too hot, but on the other hand, it should kill off all those weeds growing out of the pavements we haven’t done anything about – so it’s very much a case of swings and roundabouts. Unless you’re in a playpark, in which case, stay off the swings and roundabouts to avoid a scalded bahoochie.
In this city, of course, we have the advantage of being led from the front by a provost who is alert to all the benefits that can bring, and indeed is fully acclimatised to high temperatures after extensive recent preparations in Houston. We have cogently and wisely considered all the data on global warming and considered the safety concerns relevant to hot weather, and have been planning ahead for just such a contingency for a long time; ensuring that appropriate measures have been taken. That is why our Marischal College headquarters has a walkthrough fountain outside and an ice cream parlour directly across the street. Happy days, and mine’s a vanilla slider.
Professor Hector Schlenk
As a scientist, I am well placed to explain the underlying phenomena behind the recent hot weather here in the north-east. The facts are plain – the UK has itself seen the top 10 warmest years on record since 2002, with 2014 the warmest in 130 years. Climate change deniers point to previous eras such as the “Roman Warm Period” or the “Little Ice Age” as evidence that the temperature varies all the time. However, none of these previous climate extremes occurred globally, or as rapidly, as today. In order to communicate these important facts, I filmed myself last night conducting a simple experiment using a stuffed-crust pizza to represent the Earth, and a large, oxyacetylene blowtorch to represent global warming. Initially, I focused the blasts of flame on certain regions of the pizza, thus illustrating the past eras of history with localised temperature extremes, then I symbolised the extent and rapidity of our current conditions by blasting the entire thing with the blowtorch turned up to “Max”. Having done this, I can confirm the following experimental results:
1. The pattern of warm and cold years in Britain is a clear signal of climate change;
2. The current period significantly exceeds natural variability;
3. A suburban kitchen will burn ferociously if set alight by a flaming pepperoni feast; and
4. Night temperatures of a record high of 20 degrees enable one to sleep comfortably in a bush, even when firefighters are working noisily nearby.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit whose transfer window is flung wide open to let the air in
What a heat! Old Kenny has been plotting all week in the Costa del Garioch, where the Freddie Mercury has been in the red morning, night and noon and I’ve been struggling to do anything without keeling over.
I’ve been going to the shops in shorts and T-shirt, gardening stripped to the waist and sleeping scuddy naked. Thank goodness for the lovely Melody being here to keep me right – on Monday morning I nearly headed out for my P&J and Panda Chocolat in the buff!
Tanya Souter, local lifestyle guru
I dinna ken about youse, but this heat has made it even tougher for me to keep my bairns entertained in the holidays. It’s much easier fan it rains a’ day an ye can jist stick DVDs on the PlayStation, but this year I’ve hid tae be creative.
My pal, Big Sonja, telt me tae get a hud o’ a paddling pool. So I looked in Argos, but fit a price they were! So I came up wi’ an idea. I drew a wee map o’ oor backie and marked an “X” in the middle o’ the grass. I telt the kids there wiz buried treasure there and handed them three shovels and telt ’em tae get digging.
Eence they’d got four feet doon, bingo! My Jayden strikes the watter main. So noo they’ve got a paddling pool wi’ a built-in fountain. I guess it wiz a shame that the hale street hid nae watter fer three days, but there wiz nae need fer fowk tae come roon and shout at the kids. Some people jist arenae happy ’til they’re spoiling someb’dy else’s fun, ken fit I mean?
Struan Metcalfe, MP for Aberdeenshire North
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, my man! That’s what I always say, especially to a sweaty chef. And hasn’t nature’s Aga really been heating up the north-east this week? I haven’t been so hot and bothered since I tried to put my arm around Nicola Sturgeon on the way into Bute House and she knocked me out with a left hook to the bonce, smashing me into a boiling radiator. Feisty!
