Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken aboot youse, but I wiz gasping tae get oot tae a restaurant fan they finally reopened in Aiberdeen this wik. Then I got worried cos I wiz gasping, but as I’ve been sat on my sofa for maist of 2020 it’s unnerstandable that sudden movement is making me wheeze, is it?
But I wiz determined tae get oot there onywye. I’m nae a fan o’ eating at hame. I’m nae fit ye’d cry a great cook.
Of course, I can usually rustle up a lasagne or a decent curry, using my maist essential kitchen equipment – a fork tae poke some holies in the film – but even my auld standards are oot efter Beyonce-Shanice pit her piercings in the microwave and it blew up.
Ye fairly yearn for haute cuisine fan ye’ve only got a kettle and a cupboard full o’ Pot Noodle, ken fit I mean?
So I wiz straight oot for double helpings this past Wednesday. It felt good tae dae my bit tae prop up the local economy, fit is nearly as knackered as my microwave, but maistly it wiz cos ’at wiz the first day fan we could get wir money’s worth fae the gorernment’s “Stick In Til Ye Stick Oot Tae Help Oot” scheme since the local lockdoon.
I hid my half-price breakfast in McDonald’s, my half-price denner in Kentucky Fried Chicken and my half-price tea in Brewdog.
’At’ll teach me tae try tae be sophistimacated. I ordered the halloumi burger.
Weel, I thought ’at meant it wid come wi’ a pineapple ring. But it turns oot halloumi is nae an island in the Pacific, it’s like cheese-flavoured silly putty.
Onywye, niver mind, I’m gan tae dae it a’ o’er again on Monday, only this time wi my pal Big Sonya in tow, so it’s gan tae be epic.
I tell ye though, it is mintil that this scheme’s on the go files at the same time gan on an anti-obesity drive, I pit on about half a stone on Wednesday!
But “mixed messaging” is a’wye these days. It’s jist as confusing for the pubs reopening. Hiv ye been following the hale saga o’ The Draft Project?
Fit a cairry on. It’s fit they cry a “pop-up bar”, fit sounds fun and funky but actually jist means it’s in a freezin’ caul marquee and it’s a 15-minute walk tae the lavvies.
Like Archibald Simpsons wi’ oot the ambience.
This een his been pit up roon the back o’ the aul Bruce Millers, but it’s run intae problems because it wis meant tae be an “ootdoor venue” far bigger groups o’ folk could gather than wid be allowed indoors.
It’s like at hame – yer allowed mair folk in yer backie than in yer hoose, and even if ye pit up a gazebo, it’s still yer backie.
Unfortunately for The Draft Project, if ye pit a roof over the hale thing, fill it wi’ furniture and lay a laminate fleer, fit ye’ve got there is an extension.
But of course, folk will be wondering if it is safe tae ging oot tae the pub efter fit happened last month.
I’ve still nae heard ony ideas about foo tae tackle the real problem – keeping drunk fowk distanced fae each ither eence they’ve hid a bucket.
I mean, I ken fit I’m like after six long vodkas. So I jist hope we dinna end up wi a cycle of opening up and shutting over and over again, like me trying tae chaw through yon halloumi burger.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s over the parrot
Come on you reeeeh-eeehds! Old Kenny is just one level below seventh heaven after watching the Dandies stuff CSI Runamuck from the Fair Isle 6-0.
Melody says I should say something about “the joy of six” in my column, but I don’t know what she’s on about.
I’m still gutted that fans is not allowed to go to the games yet, and I think we’ve all heard enough about the “Aberdeen 8”.
Those lads have done more damage than the original Aberdeen 8, my old midfield mucker Simmy done when he was flying into the tackles.
But watching the Dons stroking the ball about against that highly competitive fishermen and farmers fair warmed the heart of my cockles.
Fair play to Degsy McInnes, that’s three wins in a row now, and it looks like we has finally hut the ground running for another successful season.
Let’s just hope we can keep things going with another three points against Hibs tomorrow. With so many games in a short spell, I hope Derek’s got his eye on keeping the lads fresh with squad mutation.
Elsewhere, the Codona’s virus continues to rummage the world of sport, with world champion Jamaican spritzer Usain Bolt the latest big name to catch it.
It just shows to go how quickly the virus can spread if it got Bolt, that boy’s like shift off a shuttle!
