The start of a new year should be a time of hope and promise, but for hundreds of women across the Highlands it’s a time of fear because of domestic violence. Susan Welsh discovers how one organisation offers hope and help to those caught in the trap
Catherine Russell spent Christmas Day morning helping prepare a lovely dinner while listening to festive tunes and handing out beautifully wrapped presents to excited children.
In an ideal world, she’d have been at home, and the families she was supporting in their own homes having fun while their loving parents looked on.
But for these youngsters and their mums, home wasn’t a safe place to be. Peace and goodwill had been replaced by violence and chaos which is why they sought refuge with Inverness Women’s Aid (IWA).
“There’s something about the festive season that, if you’re already in a bad situation, and have all the extra pressure Christmas and New Year brings, then it does seem to ignite things,” said Catherine, who has been manager at the IWA for the past seven years.
A local charitable organisation, it has been supporting women who are experiencing or have experienced domestic abuse across the Highlands for more than 35 years.
The organisation began when two Invernessian women who were fleeing domestic abuse got together to see if they could do something about their situation.
Initially they were turned away by the statutory organisations and told to return home to their husbands.
Rather than continue to be further exposed to the abuse, they decided not to give up and to find a way to help themselves and other women facing similar difficulties.
Today, IWA is a professional organisation employing highly qualified and skilled staff offering support 24 hours a day, every day of the year, to women in Inverness, rural Inverness, Badenoch, Strathspey and Nairn.
“Last year, we supported more than 460 women and 240 children, some of whom fleeing extremely high-risk situations. “Every year, the amount of women and children we support increases quite dramatically.
“According to statistics, two women are killed every week in Britain by their partners or ex-partners while one in four women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetimes, whether physical, or emotional, involving different degrees of control, coercion and intimidation.
“There is still a lot to be done to change the societal attitudes and eradicate the existing gender inequalities.”
JACKIE’S STORY
Anyone looking at Jackie today will see a smartly dressed, confident and happy woman – quite a contrast to how the Invernessian mum was 25 years ago when she was a jittery bag of nerves who often sported bruises and lived in terror of Thursday nights.
Thursday was when her husband got paid and he couldn’t resist heading to the pub with his mates on his way home from work at a local construction yard.
Even two drams could turn Brian, a handsome popular chap, into a horrible person who saw Jackie, patiently waiting at home with their two young daughters, as a spoilsport who didn’t want him to have fun.
He’d sometimes have blown half his wages before falling drunkenly out of a taxi in the wee small hours. Shouting and swearing loudly, he’d wake everyone in the house – and sometimes the neighbours – yelling on Jackie to “get herself downstairs and make him something to eat”.
“By lunchtime each Thursday, my stomach was in knots as I never knew what sort of state he’d come home in. If he wasn’t home by his usual time, I’d be so nervous I’d start throwing up,” said Jackie, 52.
“It wasn’t every week, but happened regularly. He’d come home drunk and aggressive, ready to pick a fight over the least thing such as toys left out, then use that as a catalyst to bring up old arguments and repeatedly go over these.
“I’d try to stay calm and not shout back. I’d even make his dinner, which might sound crazy, but sometimes he’d come home, put something on the cooker to re-heat and fall asleep and almost start a fire.
“I was terrified he’d accidentally burn the house down and kill us all. I’d put the heating on full blast in the hope that the heat would send him to sleep, while at times he’d drunkenly fall on the lounge floor and lie there all night even if he’d wet himself. We’d to creep around quiet as church mice for fear of waking him.”
Some of Jackie’s close friends knew of her situation and couldn’t understand why she stayed, but he’d created a rift between her and her family.
There had always been an element of “she could have done better for herself” from them and pride wouldn’t let her admit they were right.
“My family were very aspirational and mixed with quite a well-heeled set,” said Jackie.
To them, domestic violence happened to ignorant people, people who didn’t know any better. Mum would say things like, if that happened to me I’d slap him so hard he’d never do it again or I’d leave straight away.
“The reality is, had I fought back I’d have been rewarded with a headbutt, punch or kick with a steel toe-capped boot, while I’d been brainwashed into thinking that if I did leave I’d be penniless and homeless and he’d tell the authorities I was an unfit mother so he’d get custody of the girls.
“I’d lost all confidence in myself and was so nervous I’d developed a rash. I constantly monitored every word I said for fear that at some point, an innocent remark might be thrown back in my face.
“On a couple of occasions, things got so bad I called the police, but in those days they were reluctant to get involved and simply couldn’t offer any help. That made me feel even more isolated.”
The morning after the night before would bring a new set of issues. Having reassured the kids any noise they’d heard had come from the TV, she then set about hiding any bruising.
Initially, Brian would claim to have no memory of events and be remorseful, but gradually he’d suggest Jackie was making things up or worse, had “deserved” to be hit as she’d antagonised him.
Realising her situation was never going to improve, Jackie sought help from Inverness Women’s Aid.
“I met one of the team in a local cafe and she could not have been nicer, offering us a place in the refuge which I didn’t know existed. I was so relieved I cried like a baby.
“I went home, threw some things into a bag and left. My heart was thumping the whole time and I was shaking with fear. The refuge was crowded with women and children which came as a shock as I thought I was the only one experiencing domestic violence – nobody spoke about it then.
“The families came from all walks of life but the thing they had in common was kindness and empathy. One said to me, ‘You don’t choose who you fall in love with and sometimes your heart chooses the wrong person, but by then it’s too late’.
“I’ve never forgotten that or the kindness shown to me by Women’s Aid. They helped me get a council house and sorted out benefits for me as I didn’t have a clue where to start.
“They also helped me get enough second-hand furniture to start again and even turned up on Christmas Eve with a present for the girls, little hand-knitted elves. I’ve still got one of them, it’s one of my most precious possessions as it reminds me that there’s good people in this world, and always hope.
“It took a long time for me to regain my confidence and the divorce dragged on for years.
“At times I’d literally be counting the pennies until payday and often struggled to make ends meet, but the girls and I were happy and we had the security of knowing that Women’s Aid were there should we need them again.
“Despite never saying anything negative about my ex to the girls, they’re old enough now to realise what he’s like and don’t want anything to do with him.
“I look at him now and wonder how he managed to have such a hold over me. It’s a shame some people still write off women who choose to stay with a violent partner, but I guess until you find yourself caught in that trap, you’ll never really know why they do.”
SUPPORT IS AVAILABLE
“It is fantastic that Jackie has shared her story as she is a positive ambassador for Women’s Aid and proof that people can move on and life gets better,” said Catherine.
“When, like Jackie, you find yourself in a situation with domestic violence, then it is incredibly difficult to find the courage and personal strength to get out of that.
“I have such admiration for the women who find the strength to move on and that is what we are there for – to support them and encourage them so that when they are ready to move on there are people who can help them.
“Things have changed a lot since we first opened, but even in the time I’ve been here, attitudes have changed which I put down to IWA working with a lot of other agencies now such as the police, NHS, housing, benefit agencies, and legal support.
“We support the women to make sure they can access everything they need to access. There’s a lot more agencies aware now of what we do and the police are very supportive. Domestic violence isn’t hidden behind closed doors anymore.
“In Inverness, we are lucky to have really good accommodation which can house up to 13 women and their children within a secure, self-contained block that has rooms, apartments, communal areas and an office where there is always someone there to help no matter what time of day or night it is.
“You don’t have to be a grown-up woman or a mum to get help. Single women are often the victims of domestic violence and the national strategy now recognises that violence against women and girls – there’s a lot of work that needs to be done teaching teenage girls about healthy relationships and what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable.
“I’d like to say a big thank you to all the members of the public for the donations they give us throughout the year when we receive everything from money to beautifully wrapped Christmas presents for the children. There’s something heartwarming about knowing that other people care.”
IWA intend working on a book of memories project this year and everyone who has been involved in the organisation in the past is being encouraged to take part.
Different memories will be collected which is hoped will be published next year. Those interested in contributing can get in touch via e-mail to info@invernesswa.co.uk or on 01463 220719.
HOW TO GET HELP
Inverness Women’s Aid offers free and non-judgmental confidential information, support and temporary accommodation for women, children and young people who have experienced or are experiencing domestic abuse.
“Have the confidence to ring, there’s no commitment, just ring if you’re feeling lonely, need help or just need someone to talk to,” said Catherine.
Get in touch by calling 01463 220179 or visit the website: www.invernesswa.co.uk. The website has a quick escape button and also shows how to hide any internet activity connecting the user to the site.