Is there a fruit and veg shortage? 'Let them eat neeps!' says Thérèse Coffey

The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.

Tanya Soutar, local lifestyle guru

I dinna ken about youse, but I canna be daein wi’ politicians telling me fit tae dae. This week, it’s been the turn o’ the UK environment minister, Thérèse Coffey (ye ken the een – Ann Widdecombe: The Next Generation).

According tae the Coff-meister, the nation neednae worry aboot the supermarket shelves being devoid o’ tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers, because the answer tae a’ yer salad issues is turnips, fit are in plentiful supply. “Let them eat neeps!” says Thérèse. Well, quine, you ARE a neep! There’s a reason there’s nae a turnip shortage – turnips is bowff.

Can ye imagine Gordon Ramsay drizzling artisanal olive oil ower the heid o’ a buffalo mozzarella, fresh basil and lump o’ neep? No. Nae unless he wis daen een o’ his famous pranks and he winted tae gie an A-list customer the boak.

Can ye imagine Kate Moss trying tae keep her crows’ feet at bay by sticking sliced neep instead o’ cucumber over her eyes?! I da ‘hink so. ‘At’s nae foo ye get the “London look”, is it? The Lumphanan look, maybe.

Of course, I hid nae clue aboot this issue, seeing as neither me or my bairns eat ony o’ that rabbit food. The closest I get tae eating a tomato is fan I pit ketchup in ma Pot Noodle.

But my pal, Big Sonya, is in the middle o’ her latest crash diet and she’s been beside hersel’! On Thursday, her diet plan had her eating a Greek salad, which was meant tae be feta cheese, olives, cucumber and tomato. Only she couldna get them and hid tae mak dae wi’ the locally available alternative – onion rings and a Terry’s Chocolate Orange.

View From The Midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander

It’s been a promulgatory wik in the village. As we watch the metropolis o’ Aiberdeen emulating Meiklewartle mair and mair (jist like here, the roads are mainly potholes and maist o’ the shops hiv given up), we might hiv tae return the favour efter we wis affa impressed by the latest promotional idea for the city fae the bods in AI.

Noo, I fairly thought AI stood for artificial intelligence, fit is a’ the rage at the moment. I went on tae that ChatGPT recently and asked it tae write a wee newspaper column in the style o’ a certain verra handsome rural affairs correspondent, but it jist come back wi’ the kind o’ bowdlerised Doric muck ye’d get fae someb’dy fa didna ken a Finnan haddie fae a foggy bummer.

So, I’ve jist hid tae dae it masel.

Onywye, it turns oot that, in this instance, AI stands fer “Aiberdeen Inspired”: a group o’ public spirited business leaders fa hiv taen on the Herculean task o’ trying tae boost interest and investment in Aiberdeen city centre. And, fan I say “Herculean task”, I am thinking specifically o’ the Augean Stables.

The bods ahin’ projects like Restaurant Week and Nuart festival hiv noo come up wi’ the brand new exciting idea o’ a great muckle sign fit’ll sit on the pavement at the Castlegate and spell oot “ABERDEEN” in letters six fit high – so folk will ken exactly fit city they’re in fan they’re a’ready in the centre o’t.

An artist’s impression of how the planned Aberdeen sign could look in the Castlegate. Image: Aberdeen Inspired

Noo, it’s easy tae criticise suggestions like this – and, sure enough, the idea’s been getting pelters fae a’ the usual moany faces online – but it could be of enormous benefit, nae least tae those staggering stocious oot o’ Archie’s fa canna mind far they are.

I must say, we in the village hiv been quite taen wi’ it, so we are formulating plans tae mak wir ain great muckle sign spelling oot “MEIKLEWARTLE”, tae be erected in een o’ Haldie Winton’s less boggy fields.

There are issues, of course. In terms o’ wir natural resources, we’re nae sure we’ll be able tae mak a’ the letters oot o’ the six trees left in the village that hinna been blawn awa in the various recent storms.

Plus, fa will mak it? We’ve got plenty fowk in the village fa ken their wye aroon a chainsaw, and a surprising number fa ken foo tae spell the name o’ the village, but naeb’dy seems tae fa’ intae baith camps. And that is how I have found masel tasked with teaching Feel Moira the alphabet – a challenge even mair Herculean than Aiberdeen Inspired’s.

Onywye, fan it’s feenished, I’m sure it’ll attract the sort o’ hip, young shakers wi’ selfie sticks fa post on Instaface and TikBook – raising wir profile aroon the world and attracting exactly the type o’ credulous tourist that is easily separated fae their siller.

We’re confident that an important monument like this is guaranteed tae draw fowk like a beacon fae miles around. Especially fan we set it on fire. Cheerio!

@FlyingPigNews