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The Flying Pigs: Noo we’ve got Nicola saying she wints us tae meet in fit she’s cried ‘baubles’

Tanya doesn’t think the traditions of a family Christmas will be enough to scare the coronavirus away this year.
Tanya doesn’t think the traditions of a family Christmas will be enough to scare the coronavirus away this year.

Tanya Souter, Lifestyle Correspondent

 

I da ken aboot youse, but getting ready for Christmas this year is makin’ my heid spin. On tap o’ a’ the usual stresses aboot presents, food and decorations there’s a’ the Covid regulations tae contend wi’.

Nae politician wints tae ging down as the een fae cancelled Christmas, so they’ve been getting their heids thegither tae try an deliver a “normal festive season”.

Fit they’re saying is if we’re allowed fower days wi’ nae social distancing o’er Christmas, then we’ll need mair heavy restrictions either side tae mak up for it. Apparently, for ivery day measures is relaxed, twa days o’ tougher controls would be needed.

Noo I’m nae a doctor (though I am a fully qualified online aromatherapist), but is that nae a load o’ guff? I da hink a microscopic virus is gan tae tak a few days aff jist cos it’s turkey for tea and Mary Poppins on the telly.

The virus is like my youngest, Jayden. Nivver sleeps, ayes hinging about far ye dinna wint him and nae a fan o’ hand-washing or personal hygiene. Plus, fan he rides his scrambler on the pavement, he represents a genuine danger tae aul’ folk.

But we’ve got some scientists saying it’s a bad idea and moaning aboot mixed messaging, and ither scientists saying they hope things can be “as normal as possible”. So fit een is it?

And fit aboot a’ the folk that dinna celebrate Christmas? If I wiz a Muslim, or a Hindu or a Vegetarian, I’d be feeling pretty miffed that there wis nae similar plans made tae save my festival. These doctors is jist a bunch o’ hippocrats!

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon

It’s a’ very weel saying we can hae mair mixing if we have a greater emphasis on hygiene and ventilation. But baith are at a premium fan ye’ve got ab’dy roond, aren’t they?

Foo div ye pull a cracker fae twa metres distance? Foo div ye stop auntie Jessie dancing wi’ ab’dy after she’s necked her second snowball? I can mind a Christmas Day nae lang ago fan my grunny hid ower many sprouts.

We wiz sair in need o’ ventilation, that day, but it wiz freezing and we couldnae get the windows open.

But maist importantly, fa sez I wint tae hiv tae host my hale femly at Christmas onywye?

I wiz looking forward tae it this year as I hid the perfect excuse tae lock the door and chill oot. Nae visitors allowed, nae massive turkey tae worry aboot, feeding the five thoosand – jist bung on Frozen and then lie back on ma sofa, in ma onesie, in a wik-lang blur o’ chocolate an booze. Magic.

But noo we’ve got Nicola saying she wints tae mak sure relatives get tae meet, in fit she’s cried Christmas “baubles”?

At’s totally unasseptable, ‘at! I’ll jist hae tae mak sure of as much social distance as possible atween me an the rest o’ the femly.

I hink ‘is year I might ging heavy on the sprouts masel.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in two-footed

This week Scottish football has gone from the sublime to the rhinoceros. The highs of last week’s spot-kick triumph against the Siberians has faded as quick as my missus, the lovely Melody, that time she got caught in a thunderstorm straight after getting her spray-tan done.

Heat on the hols of qualifying for the Euros the national team has come back down to earth with a Trump.

Gubbings against Slovakia and Israel mean we won’t be going up a band in the Nations League, and our unbeaten run has hut a brick wall.

Scotland celebrate qualifying for the Euros in Serbia.

To be honest, I is quite relieved. Scotland has always been the wonder dog. I’m not sure it would be the same if we was usually good.

We was so happy to qualify last week, the fans couldn’t not help themselves. But imagine if we was like the Germans or the Spains, who win all the time, their fans is gutted when they don’t win a tournament.

The Flying Pigs: I had Dunter Duncan saying ‘This is the Scotlandest Scotland game ever’

I says to my pal Dunter Duncan on Zoom the other day I says: “Dunter, I don’t know how they do it.”

Dunter just laughed and says, he says: “They do it by playing good football, Kenny. But you wouldn’t know anything about that!”

What a cheek. I had quite a cultured left foot in my day.

It’s just a pity I played the game with my right.

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