Welcome to Scotland! Now, how do I get from A to B?
It’s been raining, so I can’t use the main road through Argyll in case a mountain melts under the pressure.
I’d take the train to Inverness, but the one I want is cancelled.
The ferry’s out of service, so island hopping is tricky.
This is hardly a country glowing with pride right now about its transport infrastructure.
So, it might come as a surprise to hear people in government offices talking seriously about a multimillion pound inter-island tunnel scheme. But it’s maybe an idea which is gaining a bit of weight.
And, one of the best things about this current proposal? Boris Johnson hasn’t been told about it.
So, could it actually happen?
MP Iain Stewart, a minister in the UK Government’s Scotland Office, is keen on the tunnels. He imagines a potential network joining up islands, such as in Shetland, Orkney or the Western Isles.
Not crazy, 100-miles routes to the Scottish mainland from Lerwick. He’s talking about inter-island links, like in the Faroe Islands.
Mr Stewart was there last week and, clearly, had a great time checking out the undersea roundabout, which he likened to a James Bond lair.
But the appeal is more widespread than one government office. Councillors are interested in connecting their islands with undersea links.
Plenty to learn from other countries
Local politicians are seeking views from people who want to protect their communities and find something more reliable than the aging ferry fleet. On that point, they are right to be thinking ahead.
Take Shetland, for example. Officials there are looking towards a future away from oil and gas, with new, lower carbon transport and tunnels to replace ferries already nearing retirement.
We’re no closer to getting these tunnels yet, but there’s plenty of work to learn from elsewhere.
It costs about £20 million a kilometre, according to the Faroe project’s experience. But, in the islands, they are already looking at £40.4 million to replace the Yell-Unst sea link.
Build tunnels for the right reasons
The problem with these grand projects, which the government would have to get over, is that the public see a poor track record. The Rest and Be Thankful shambles does not fill anyone with confidence about a relatively tiny stretch of road.
This has to be focused on halting depopulation, taking fossil fuels out of transport, connecting remote communities and proving there’s a long-term future off the mainland
There are two ferries still under construction at mammoth expense on the Clyde.
The saving grace of the islands tunnel idea has already been touched on. Mr Johnson, of “let’s build a bridge to Ireland” fame, hasn’t been brought into the room. Yet.
The Scottish Government wants to hear from Mr Stewart, but no one has said anything daft about his vision being “world-beating”. Yet.
To be of any use, this has to be focused on halting depopulation, taking fossil fuels out of transport, connecting remote communities and proving there’s a long-term future off the mainland.
If the politicians can keep themselves from adding actual James Bond touches to it, it might just work.
Andy Philip is Head of Politics for The Press & Journal and The Courier
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