The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
Shelley Shingles, showbiz correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983
Oh. Em. Actual. Gee! The world of celebrity gossip has seldom had a more explosive week than this one, with Prince Harry’s book and all its crazy revelations about the royal family hitting the shelves.
I don’t mind telling you that like a lot of people, I think they are old-fashioned and out of date, with no relevance to the modern world. But, amazingly, in 21st century Britain, books are still a thing.
And selling by the pallet-load – over 1.4 million copies in its first day! I thought the days of the celebrity memoir might be numbered after Matt Hancock swallowed more insects in the jungle than he shifted hardbacks in Waterstones, but I guess it very much depends on who is doing the memoiring.
Parts of Harry’s book were leaked before it went on sale here in the UK because somebody managed to get their hands on the Spanish edition a few days early. Fair play to Harry – I never even knew he could write in Spanish.
Some of the secrets exposed in the tell-all autobiography have really shocked people. Of course, I got told many of these revelations by Prince Harry himself, who whispered them in my ear at the gym, where I was listening to the audiobook on the cross trainer.
But the biggest shockeroo of the whole thing was hearing about a bit of fisticuffs between Harry and his big brother, Will.i.am.
Apparently, an argument became heated. The heir to the throne grabbed his little bro by the collar and… ripped his necklace. Almost every man I know would call it a chain, but kudos to Harry for breaking down that particular gender boundary.
Don’t get me wrong, I am in no doubt about Harry’s masculinity. In fact, he goes into quite a lot of detail about having a romp in a field behind a pub when he was 17 with an older woman who treated him “like a stallion”. Which I think means she picked the stones out of his shoes and gave him a carrot.
But I have to admit, I am a wee bit mystified by the book’s title – Spare. Maybe that’s what he expects his dad’s going to go when he reads it?
View from the Midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander of MTV (Meikle Wartle Television)
It’s been a covetous wik in the village. Feelings o’ resentment and anger hiv been sloshing aroon efter The Times newspaper pit oot a list o’ the UK’s 22 poshest villages, in fit Meikle Wartle wis notable. By it’s absence.
Truth be telt, it wisnae a shock tae me tae discover that we’d gone under the radar o’ some London-based journalists. There’s folk fa couldna find us on a map biding in Pitcaple.
Skittery Willie wiz maist pit oot, though. Then again, he considers himsel posh cos his hoose has baith doors and windaes. Noo. A relatively recent innovation for him, but, I dare say, auld news tae the good folk o’ Craigellachie, the highest placed Scottish village in the list.
I’d say they’ve got an unfair advantage masel, fit wi’ Craigellachie being famed for its twa distilleries. Oor attempts tae produce a Meikle Wartle single malt hiv been hampered by Hurpling Haldie Winton distilling it in the bins roon the back o’ the sewage works.
We hid tae pause wir plans tae mak it commercially available tae the public fan the first barrel produced triggered Haldie’s asthma, glowed a delicate shade o’ puce and didnae sae much unblock wir sinks as dissolve wir pipes.
The only Princes we’ve iver hid here is a’ the oot o’ date jars o’ salmon paste fit Feel Moira liberated fae the Co-opie in Inverurie
Braemar wiz also high on the posh list, wi’ its royal connection making it “the buzziest village in Scotland”. I mean we canna compete wi yon.
The only Princes we’ve iver hid here is a’ the oot o’ date jars o’ salmon paste fit Feel Moira liberated fae the Co-opie in Inverurie.
GLOBAL EXCLUSIVE – Dame Judi Dench gigs with Sharleen Spiteri at The Fife Arms, Braemar – future dates are in the planning. Watch this space, meantime, HAPPY NEW YEAR! #damejudidench #judidench #sharleenspiteri #thefifearms #braemar #scotland 🏴 #newyear #happynewyear pic.twitter.com/5iOcl3SuB3
— Ewan Venters (@ewanventers) January 1, 2023
Of course, we a’ recently saw jist how Braemar caters tae the glamorous jet-set, thanks tae yon Hogmanay video o’ Judi Dench pretending tae play the piano wi Sharleen Spiteri fae Teaxas.
However, noo we ken there’s a competition, a’b’dy in the village is looking for wyes tae get us on tae the list for neist year.
I suggested we could try tae attract some of the top names like Dame Judi and her chums tae pairty here, if we did a bit o’ schmoozing. So, I wis maist encouraged fan Feel Moira announced she wis ga’an up market with the “big beasts” ‘is wikend. Fit a let doon it wis tae discover she wis jist gaan tae the cattle sale at Thainstone.
Cheerio!