The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Kevin Cash, money-saving expert and King of the Grips
If, like me, yer nae a fan o’ technology, this wik has showed the dangers o’ relying on funcy new-fangled computers for athin’. McDonald’s had a “technical outage” during a “configuration change” that pit the kibosh on the tills in ivery store in the UK, Australia and Japan.
Then, at the wikend, Sainsbury’s online delivery service went doon. And, on Wednesday, maist alarmingly of a’, Greggs wiz hit by an IT glitch wi’ their tills, so naeb’dy could get a steak bake for the hale morning.
Some hiv speculated that a’ this happening thegither means it’s deliberate sabotage – sneaky cybercriminals fae Russia or China fa hiv realised that tae truly cause chaos in the Western world, ye dinna need tae scutter aboot wi’ sowing disinformation or funding right-wing populism, ye jist hiv tae mak it impossible for folk tae hae a Big Mac and a yum yum for their denner.
But I am nae convinced. I think it’s simply ‘cos the funcier a piece o’ technology is, the bigger the chunce it’ll ging a’ tae skite.
For those o’ us fa dinna wint tae ging shopping online and dinna wint tae pay wi’ a debit card, life is getting mair difficult. Mair and mair, it’s cards only.
I use nithin but paper money and, increasingly, fan I ging intae a shop, folk look at me funny fan I attempt tae pay wi’ notes. OK, at’s ‘cos I’m now doon tae the pink eens fae my auld Monopoly set, but at’s nae the point.
Ab’dy should cease relying on computers like fit I dae. It is easier, mair environmental, and, maist importantly, cheaper.
I dinna hae the interweb mysel’. On the rare occasions fan I need tae ging online, I simply hide in a bush in my neighbour’s backie and use my mobile tae connect tae his wifi. But ‘at is far I draw the line. I dinna hae a computer o’ ma ain.
A’ the info I need is handwritten on the back o’ rolls o’ unused wallpaper I dug oot o’ a skip at the back of Kynoch and Robertson. It’s free, so beats the cost o’ running a machine tae keep a note of a’thin, there’s nae risk o’ me losing everything important in the event o’ a power cut, and there’s nae chunce o’ an international hacking organisation accessing my data – unless they send someb’dy roon tae my gaff wi’ a good memory and a lot o’ time on their hands.
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