Twelve ways of Christmas
Christmas is traditionally a time for families and can be difficult for parents who are no longer together. Liza Winwright, practice manager at Counselling and Family Mediation Grampian, looks at what can be done to ease the pressures of this holiday season
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1. Focus on what your children want from Christmas
Asking your children what they want from Christmas besides presents might be an interesting exercise. You might be surprised to hear them say they want everyone to have a good time.
The arguments over who gets to watch the children open their presents on Christmas morning may be first on your mind, but your children may just wish that they could open their presents without feeling guilty about the parent who isn’t there.
2. Avoid conflict
Avoid difficult situations. Find another way to do things if you know there could be problems.
Make plans as early as possible and accept that, to give your children “peace and joy” at Christmas, you may have to sacrifice some of what you want. Your “ex” may not deserve your efforts at goodwill, but your children do.
3. When you have the children
Talk to the children ahead of time about the holiday schedule and let them know when they will have time with each parent.
You will gain respect in their eyes if you show respect to the other parent and can be enthusiastic about the plans for their time together.
Be clear about schedules and stick to them. Help your children have positive memories and good times in both homes by managing their time responsibly.
4. When you don’t have the children
Give your children your permission to have a wonderful time with the other parent. Free the children from feeling guilty if they are not with you. They do not want to hear how lonely you will be without them.
5. Honour the past and welcome the future
Give your children time to say whatever they need to. Respect their perspective and accept their feelings. Give them hope for the future, reassurance that although things may be hard now that they are loved and cared for and that will never stop.
6. Respect the other parent
Children see themselves as like both their parents and, if you attack the other parent, you may be attacking the child. Don’t criticise or badmouth your child’s other parent. It undermines the child’s sense of safety and self-esteem.
Make your focus building the best possible relationship with you child, not making him choose between two people he loves.
7. Keep your sense of humour and be flexible
If your emotions become overwhelming, take some time to figure out what is going on. Find a safe way to vent your feelings and frustrations. If problems arise, be the bigger parent and make the adjustment or make the sacrifice.
8. Don’t let guilt get in the way
If you will be lonely while they aren’t with you, it is something for you to deal with, not them. Alternatively, don’t accept blackmail. You know you can’t buy their love so don’t let them think they can make unreasonable demands just because you feel guilty.
9. Gifts don’t have strings attached
Giving gifts with strings attached puts children in an uncomfortable position. Children should be able to decide where they would like to keep their gifts. If you don’t want certain items to leave your home, then don’t give them as gifts.
10. Keep the other parent informed
If you are going to be taking your child away, make sure the other parent knows what you are planning and has all the contact information they might need. Children are reassured to know that both parents know where they are.
Consider how you would feel if you couldn’t speak to your child on Christmas or needed to reach them in an emergency.
11. Help your children maintain a sense of family
Make sure your children have your permission to continue to love both mum and dad and all their extended family as they did before the split. They will want to know that their feelings don’t have to change.
12. Keep your family on the side of the children
It is natural for your family to side with you over a split but they can and should be a good resource for your children.
Encourage grandparents and aunts and uncles to be a place for the children to be able to say what they feel without having to hear your side of the story.
You may have more support than the children do so make sure your family isn’t undermining their love of the other parent.
Wishing you all a happy and peaceful Christmas.
KEEPING IT TOGETHER OVER CHRISTMAS
Plan together
Negotiate what is necessary and look carefully at what you each want from Christmas. Don’t try to meet everyone else’s expectations. Be open and make sure you both have something to look forward to.
Really listen
Sit down and give yourself and your partner/spouse a chance to talk without criticism. Stay in touch and chat over how your plans are progressing and find time to enjoy a laugh or two.
Be realistic
Don’t be bound by past traditions. Recognise what is meaningful for you as a couple or as a family and be open to new ideas and easier ways of doing things.
Lower your expectations if they put too much pressure on you both. Look forward to your time together knowing you can meet the demands. Work less . . . enjoy more!
Don’t do it all yourself
Ask for the help you need and share the workload. If you can’t share the job or hand it on, then maybe it doesn’t have to be done.
Over the limit
If too much food and drink puts you on edge, then be in control. Look after yourselves physically and emotionally. Be there for each other.
Simplify gifts
Plan ahead, agree on a budget and stick to it. Don’t give yourselves nightmares about bills in January or underestimate the pressure money worries will put on your relationship.
Agree on gifts for the children and don’t give in to blackmail. Make sure you are really listening to each other.
Go easy on yourselves
Don’t fill every moment with frantic activity. Be flexible and forgiving. Find time for affection and closeness. Be on each other’s team. Make yourselves a priority and don’t forget the mistletoe.
Contact Counselling and Family Mediation Grampian at Alliance House, 493 Union Street, Aberdeen. Phone 08700 858 158/148.
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