If I was ever in a situation where the victim gets to confront their attacker I’d be sitting opposite a seagull.
Two seagulls in fact, one that chased me into a butchers’ shop with my ice cream and one that stole my cheesy toastie from outside the pub.
I wouldn’t be able to pick either of them out of a police line-up but I would recognise the terrifying squawk of the one who swooped down on lunch, leaving a trail of shredded lettuce in its wake.
Sometimes I hear the phrase “living under an oppressive regime” on the news and I assume they are talking about Scottish harbours during nesting season.
That’s why it’s such a tall order to “live and let live” with gulls but this week Viola Ross-Smith of the British Trust for Ornithology asked us to do just that.
She said that while the sea birds are seen to be causing misery in Inverness city centre and elsewhere, they are adapting to find food and it’s time to rethink our human relationship with them.
“Seabirds are being affected by habitat loss, herring gulls are on the list of species at risk. We need to look after these seabirds. They will soon disappear if we don’t. My advice is to live and let live,” she said.
Well now I just feel bad. Sorry seagulls, I’ll try to be more understanding.
Now, had she suggested we look after golden retrievers, no problem. I would have loved to attend the breed’s big gathering at their ancestral home in the Highlands.
Hundreds of the pooches gathered at Guisachan House in Glen Affric for what looked like the world’s biggest therapet session.
I needed that after I discovered how close I am to the end of my fixed rate mortgage but I had to make do with lying down in a darkened room and finding things to sell on eBay.
The gathering sounded a lot like other conventions, with talks, workshops and team bonding, just with a bigger line at the water cooler and delegates drinking straight from the tap.
Hollywood actors went walkies, some straight off the red carpet, as 160,000 performers followed writers to take strike action in a row over pay, conditions and AI.
At the London premiere of Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer on Thursday, stars including Matt Damon and Emily Blunt left early to support the strike.
Barbie the movie
It drew attention to the cause and also to the film itself, which can’t compete with the level of pinkwashing deployed to market Barbie the movie.
With pink clothing, pink merchandise, pink billboards, a pink Doctor Who Tardis on London’s Tower Bridge and the renaming of Barbican Tube station to Barbiecan, the campaign has been all-consuming.
It had its premiere on Wednesday in Leicester Square and lead Margot Robbie has been popping up all over in pink outfits.
It truly is a Barbie world right now, but Miranda Dickson of Edinburgh was way ahead of the trend.
Last year she faced a £20,000 fine if she did not repaint her pink front door. She repainted it green but that was also rejected by planners and now the council has received another complaint over its “off-white” colour.
The mother-of-two says she’s confused and she’s not the only one.
Barbie herself loves a pink front door and having had a career as an interior designer, she knows her stuff.
She has also been a teacher, a police officer, a doctor and an actress, all with outfits to match.
I don’t think there has been a Picket Line Barbie, but with a placard and a hi-viz vest that would cover just about every profession these days and cut down on the amount of clothing going to landfill.
On Thursday Rishi Sunak announced public sector pay rises of between 5% and 7% with mixed responses.
I’m baffled as to why this has taken him so long and also why he had to read an 11-word sentence off a card.
Maybe the stress of the job has got to him. I know where he can find a few hundred golden retrievers if he needs some pet therapy.