You know when someone insists on singing karaoke but they are terrible and not in a good way?
There’s that sense of relief when they stop, only to be followed by a sinking feeling when they start flipping through the songbook again for another shot.
With her 4,000-word essay in The Sunday Telegraph, Liz Truss became that annoying microphone hogger while Rishi Runak is the DJ who can only look on helplessly as she scribbles down “I’m Still Standing” and takes another swig of Merlot.
The UK’s least successful former prime minister blamed her downfall on “the left-wing economic establishment” – you know the one that she sent into turmoil with her mini budget, forcing the Bank of England to intervene by buying up £65bn worth of gilts to prevent a run on pension funds? That one.
‘Nonsense and delusional’
The essay has been branded “nonsense” and “delusional” but surely its most serious flaw is its wordcount.
Four thousand words for goodness sake. That’s roughly six times longer than this column, just for her to say: “It wisnae me.”
And as with Nadhim Zahawi’s statement last week, not one of those words was “sorry”.
The US unapologetically shot down a Chinese high-altitude balloon, ramping up tensions between Washington and Beijing and prompting many in the west to take the drastic action of deleting TikTok.
The UK Parliament closed its account on the video platform in August, and not because the last time it let someone dance on film it resulted in Theresa May doing the robot, but because of fears over MPs’ data being passed to the Chinese government.
This week Mrs May was held up as a shining example of how to behave after being ousted as a prime minister, a person who uses her voice sparingly and doesn’t publish 4,000-word self-serving essays that make the current administration look bad. Oh alright, look worse.
As Truss and her “allies” heckled from the wings and Boris Johnson did jazz hands stage right, the week’s Cabinet reshuffle was performed to a distracted audience with no-one rushing out to write a review.
The Tory Party now has more back seat drivers than a coachload of cabbies and it may have inadvertently set the sat nav to September 2024 after new Conservative chairman Greg Hands said: “The next 18 months will see us win or lose the next general election.”
War in Ukraine
Rockstar Volodymyr Zelensky kicked off his European tour in London with a packed gig to much applause and even whooping within the medieval Westminster Hall.
The excited Speaker, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, introduced him in the manner of someone hosting the Grammy Awards and when the Ukrainian President gave “Rishi” and “Boris” a shout-out I half expected someone to start crowd surfing.
Johnson grabbed the headlines the following day by calling for the UK to give Zelensky the fighter planes or “wings for freedom” he is asking for, although training is all Mr Sunak is offering for the time being.
At Inverurie Academy a teenager has completed his aviation training and took to the air for the first time as a qualified pilot, before he can even drive a car.
Seventeen-year-old George Walker is waiting for the hard copy of his private pilot licence to arrive after which he plans to fly his dad up to Dornoch for lunch.
Flying high
As well as a schoolboy flying a plane, a cow riding a motorbike also made the headlines.
It features in Virgin Media’s broadband advert and has caused a stooshie as it was filmed in the Highlands, where locals can’t get coverage.
Local residents have been vocal about the irony of the advert and Edward Mountain, MSP for the Highlands and Islands, said: “The Virgin Media advert showing a cow on a motorbike in Glencoe is about as likely as us seeing superfast broadband across the Highlands by 2026.”
It’s all very silly, but then everything seems silly, when compared to the week’s events in Turkey and Syria, which were hit by a devastating earthquake.
As I write, a toddler has just been rescued from rubble in Antakya and reunited with her father. One can only hope and pray for more miracles.
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