Lobsters and unruly mobs of children have something in common – they make people jump out of their way in horror, apparently.
I think it was Arthur Daley who muttered the immortal words: “The world’s your lobster” in the underworld comedy-drama, Minder. It became more popular with the public as a funny everyday remark than the proverb he was aiming for.
“The world’s your oyster”, of course. A slice of wisdom served to young people to go out in the world and tackle anything – even lobsters.
Except in Stonehaven harbour, that is, where council planners banned a seafood business from displaying live lobsters in tanks, for fear of causing a child to leap back in terror – and end up under a car, or maybe plunging into the harbour a few yards away.
Anything is possible, of course: the world is full of freakish accidents. But, lobsters? Really?
Kids are in more danger from falling down a pothole councils can’t be bothered to fix – or accidents in their own homes. And that is before you count the scrapes and dares they get into among themselves as part of growing up.
The claws were out for overprotective council do-gooders in Stonehaven, but what else could they expect, apart from public scorn?
Just up the road in Aberdeen, children are proving to be more of a nuisance to passers-by than lobsters. Marauding young teens have become a sporadic antisocial menace in the city centre. But they appear to be able to do what they like without any discernible intervention by police or council.
They are not skulking about dark, graffiti-strewn alleyways, but in places where nice people go – most recently, alarming shoppers at the city’s top mall, Union Square, and visitors to the newly-refurbished, £30 million Union Terrace Gardens.
Fighting and other menacing behaviour occurs with depressing regularity. There is some dark humour around it, though.
After reading about the Union Square louts on The P&J’s website, a subscriber made the following tongue-in-cheek suggestion: “They should use lobsters to scare them off.”
What about the juvenile stream of antisocial traffic?
I’ve been to Maria Lewis’s excellent Seafood Bothy in Stonehaven as a customer and enjoyed it very much. And, as far as I was concerned, there appeared to be enough space for children and lobsters to coexist safely. To be honest, I am more worried about the threatening behaviour of young teens in Aberdeen.
I have also visited Union Terrace Gardens recently, and looked on in disbelief as one boy beat up another with a flurry of punches and kicks. A large group of girls and boys cheered them on – and filmed it on their phones.
No doubt these little darlings were sharing the footage under the noses of parents and teachers.
These shocking scenes were later likened to impromptu “kick-boxing” contests. But there was a false air of credibility and sporting authenticity to this, as far as the nasty little episode I witnessed was concerned.
All this comes as the UK Government announced a new crackdown on antisocial behaviour, which included intense activity by police in specific problem areas. As law and order is a devolved matter, I am not sure what is happening here in Scotland.
Police speak about “proactive patrols”, but are they a real deterrent or just talk?
I remember the last north-east police chief before the present one announcing, on assuming office, that antisocial behaviour was a priority. What has happened since? Did I miss something?
The council is good at persecuting drivers by fleecing them of millions after invoking bus gate by-laws. But what about this juvenile stream of antisocial traffic?
Not holding out much hope
It depresses me when I hear north-east police say in response: “We’ll investigate if people report this type of thing.” It’s too late by then.
They must deploy a high-profile, deterrent presence, but I presume police don’t have the inclination, or are too skint.
It’s not high priority in the pecking order of criminal offences, but matters more to ordinary people.
If only there was a change in the process, so that parents were dragged into court to take responsibility for their loutish offspring. Or, the local authority invoked sensible by-laws, aimed at antisocial children – and dished out on-the-spot fines to their parents.
It’s easier to peddle endless visions and artists’ impressions of Aberdeen’s future than deal with the present
It’s easier to peddle endless visions and artists’ impressions of Aberdeen’s future than deal with the present.
From my car the other day, I watched police chase kids after a flare was let off near Pittodrie on matchday. A lobster-red cloud swirled around the road.
It might sound funny, but potentially dangerous, too, as someone might really have ended up under a car.
The hooded young teens were too fast, and escaped into a sea of fans. They were laughing.
It seemed like the cops gave up, but I hoped clever police work nabbed them later. Hoping, but not holding out much hope.
David Knight is the long-serving former deputy editor of The Press and Journal
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