'I squeezed Giovanni Pernice's bum at the Music Hall'

One way to brighten a dull Monday night is to end up on stage in a packed Music Hall squeezing Giovanni Pernice’s bum while he’s wearing a wee skirt and high heels.

It was certainly an unexpected turn of events, seeing as how I rocked up to his Made In Italy show for my day job (well, evening one) as a reviewer.

One minute I’m sitting taking notes about the spectacular song and dance, the next Giovanni is announcing from the stage he needs a male volunteer from the audience.

Well this is awkward… when Scott Begbie met Giovanni Pernice on the stage of Aberdeen’s Music Hall. Image: Scott Begbie/DC Thomson

Given the ratio of blokes to wifies – and that I was sitting on the end of the aisle – there was almost an inevitability that singer Michelle Andrew prowling the auditorium for a “volunteer” would end up plucking me at random from the crowd.

But what do you do when almost 1,300 folk are whooping and cheering for you to go for it? You go for it.

Standing next to Giovanni Pernice in the glare of the Music Hall spotlights

Michelle guided me up the steps onto the stage with a smile and a “nothing to worry” about (easy for her to say) and the next thing I’m dazzled by the spotlights standing next to the man himself thinking: “Gosh his eyes are really brown and those are some nice teeth.”

We had a bit of chat and banter on the introductions, I told him I was Scott, he said he was Giovanni, and I said I thought he was Dave from Aberdeen – riffing on a joke he made at the start of the show.

Giovanni Pernice Aberdeen Inverness — Giovanni Pernice looking more like his Aberdeen fans would expect for his show at the Music Hall. Image: Lisa Hornal.

“Didn’t I see you in The Grill earlier?” I asked before being quizzed on whether I had been to Italy.

You know that thing when folk are on a quiz show and stumbling over the easiest answers? In my head, I was thinking: “Why of course, I’ve been on the Amalfi Drive, I’ve stood in the blasted ruins of Pompeii, I have thrown coins in the Trevi Fountain, had pizza on the Rialto Bridge.”

What I managed to stammer was: “Yeeeeessss, I’ve been to Rome”.

So of course I drew a blank on my knowledge of Italian. “Eh, prego?” “Umm, ciao”, “errr, bella bella”.

I deserved that look of pity from the Strictly star.

Time to strut your funky stuff at Giovanni’s Music Hall extravaganza

Next thing I was told I was going to do a wee dance, whisked into the wings to don a colourful waistcoat and a hairband of flowers (I needed that) and quick instructions to just link arms with this nice lady, follow the dancers on stage then stand in the middle and strut your funky stuff however you want.

I think that’s what was said, but it was a bit of a blur and I was busy wondering if my heart rate should be quite that elevated. And we were off.

Now that was unexpected… as Scott and Giovanni get to grips at the Music Hall. Image: Scott Begbie/ DC Thomson

So, pop quiz, what do you do when you are centre stage with a troupe of pro dancers gien’ it laldy around you? You do what any good Scotsman does. You reach into the racial ceilidh memory banks and pas de bas like the wind.

Next thing I was surrounded by female dancers in outfits not out of place in Britney’s Hit Me One More Time video, raunching it up around me, with Strictly pro dancer Lauren Oakley saying: “Just keep looking at me.”

If you insist.

High Praise from Giovanni for bum-caressing technique

Then I was told to sit down in a chair. Wait a minute… that wasn’t in the briefing in the wings.

More gyrating, more of me not knowing where to look, then a pair of cool hands on my face from someone behind me, a quick caress of the nape of my neck and the dancer stepped in front of me.

Strictly pro Lauren Oakley in a scene from Giovanni Pernice’s show, Made in Italy. Image: Lisa Hornal.

Giovanni. In a skirt. And a wig. And heels. And a garter. Right.

Hauled out of the chair I was a bit baffled as to what I was expected to do… which turned out to be squeezing Giovanno’s rear end. The huge cheers meant I had no choice. Go for it.

And with that we were done… but not before Giovanni critiqued my bum-caressing technique and told my mortified missus I was a keeper. I’ll take that.

My moment in the spotlight over, I scooted back to my seat to warm applause and the welcome chance for my heart to stop racing. But it was fun.

Basking in the attention of Giovanni’s adoring Aberdeen fans

I even enjoyed the attention at the interval with lots of women smiling at me, saying well done and more than a few asking “what does Giovanni smell like?” Eh, nice?

And, yes, his buns are as tight as they look.

But it was a buzz to have that wee bit of affection for Giovanni reflected back on me. You can get a taste for that.

Curtain call for the cast of Made In Italy, Giovanni Pernice’s solo show which was at the Music Hall in Aberdeen.

In fact, if the Strictly Come Dancing producers are looking for contestants, here’s me. The show could do with a bit of ceilidh-ing.

NOTE: Photography and videography are not allowed during Giovanni’s shows, but the P&J were given special press dispensation after Scott was selected at random to go on stage.

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