This was meant to be an adult piece about the Cambo field dispute and environmental economics and, but for being middle-aged, it would have been.
I just turned middle-aged on Sunday, so it is now about why middle age is a state, not an age.
I also think I know what old age is, too, and can help you control your symptoms.
Truth be told, I was meant to write my column last Thursday and I seek forgiveness from the couple of regular readers I have. I’m rather embarrassed, but I forgot to write it and was thankfully given a new deadline.
The P&J were really kind about it all and probably pitied my elderly state of mind. So, warning one for you young people, forgetfulness that is the first part of being middle-aged.
Know the warning signs
The second warning signal is the moment when the next generation takes over and you are reminded of your frailties. One determinant of coming of age is the moment your kids “beat” you at sport. I was proud and in awe as my oldest was gifted the “Match Ball” by the guys at Fraserburgh Cricket Club this weekend, a day to remember.
However, just half an hour earlier, I was that middle-aged man who tore a muscle whilst playing sport, something I have never suffered before. As my heir showed his sporting prowess, the spectators were less impressed as the fielder (me) pulled his hamstring during the 30 yard dash for a ball. I think I am going to be sore for a few days (or weeks) now.
The final piece of middle-agedness is failing to accept the above signals. A few years back, I was known for my eating prowess. I laughed at heartburn; I didn’t know what it was. I now know, after demolishing a 14-inch sharing pizza pre-Aberdeen match, that heartburn is bad. I also know that I am that old man who “can’t eat like he used to”.
Now, you’d think after these few days I’d have learned my lesson. I cannot give too much detail about the final piece of evidence but it involves a boat, a harbour with less water than I thought and a late night adventure in my pants. The only good thing about that situation is I was totally sober and it was all just a small and pretty safe misjudgement with no harm done.
Middle-agedness isn’t about bad stuff happening; its about loving the bad stuff, accepting there will be more, and also perhaps that you’ve maybe not quite got what you once had
So, within the course of three days I’ve gone from a young man to middle-aged. But, that said, I’d do it all again. I’d wade in my pants in the harbour, I’d run for an injury and watch “the loon” get his first wicket, and I’d take indigestion. That is what life is all about.
Live life to the full
All of these things are joyous, fun and living life to the full, even if it’s all a bit embarrassing. Middle-agedness isn’t about bad stuff happening; its about loving the bad stuff, accepting there will be more, and also perhaps that you’ve maybe not quite got what you once had.
There is also more good news – old age is avoidable. Old age has all of the above, but adds extreme or frequent grumpiness. The simplest example to help you avoid old age is to direct you to Facebook forums containing nonsense. One of my favourites is called “Cullen Past and Present”. There is some cracking stuff on there, from community-oriented chat, pictures new and old, holidaymakers’ tales of happiness, and some light-touch trolling, too.
Over the last month I’ve seen amazing pictures, interesting history, community action and some of the most badly photoshopped images of Cullen’s favourite sites you could imagine. The latter are a mix of nonsense – sometimes amusing, always silly, but none are offensive or close to being serious.
However, the level of disgust noted by some commenters is strong, and grumpiness is high. If you find yourself too irate about something on a similar forum, be brave and be middle-aged – don’t comment. I’d give that same advice for situations in real life, too.
Take joy in your achievement and consider that someone is having a laugh somewhere. Celebrate that you have avoided old age!
Next month I’ll be back to economics for sure, if I remember.
James Bream was research and policy director at Aberdeen and Grampian Chamber of Commerce and is now general manager of Aberdeen-based Katoni Engineering