Sunday being Valentine’s Day I thought I would do something kind and unexpected for Mrs X. I would do the washing up. When I said wash up, I meant I would load the dishwasher and switch it on.
One problem: I couldn’t find the dishwasher. Trying the door of every kitchen cupboard to see what was behind it, I had to give up, flummoxed. She came in to see what the banging was and I had to ask where she had hidden the appliance.
You just know you’ve said the wrong thing when their eyes narrow. “We haven’t had a dishwasher since we moved to this house more than four years ago,” she said.
“You said you wanted a second freezer for all those cakes and scones you promised to make when you were in your stupid Great British Bake Off phase. There was no room for a dishwasher after that. And it’s only now you’ve noticed?” Ah, now that you mention it…
Know anyone who’ll take a freezer? Maybe the NHS will take it because one of these anti-Covid vaccines apparently needs to be stored deep-frozen. Not the one I’m getting though. I was talking to a nurse the other day and she said I was going to get an AstraZeneca. I told her I didn’t mind that because I like all Vauxhall cars. She sounded confused and hung up.
The weather here has also been confusing. Last week, it was freezing hard. While the ice was still on the ground, wildfires broke out apparently because of the lack of droplets.
No, it’s not because everyone is wearing a mask, or because everyone on the west coast has been careless with their fag ends. It is an entirely natural phenomenon. Lots of people found it hard to get their few grey cells round that one.
As if a spate of wildfires on Benbecula, here in Leurbost and on Great Bernera last week wasn’t enough, there was a flood warning on Friday as extreme weather was ready to bombard the islands. We were told to expect a classic winter storm bringing strong winds and now snow. And all in the middle of a pandemic?
It was a wee bit blustery right enough. What next? Earthquakes? Well, actually we had one of them on the other side of the Minch just recently.
Thank you, mate, to DM in Gairloch who saw that I mentioned their wee earth tremor last week and he called me with more details.
The quake caused early-morning mayhem between Gairloch and Diabeg. The damage was extensive, he said. “Oh aye. At least £40-worth, I would say.” A collection of trashy souvenirs from Tenerife in a loft in Aultbea was knocked off a shelf.Things shook early that morning. Donnie says people were disturbed and shaken around 5.40am. “People here aren’t usually disturbed and shaking until about 6.30am. That’s when Piers Morgan comes on the telly.” He said local station Two Lochs Radio announced that residents were still confused and bewildered; still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Gairloch. Donnie, stop it. That’s not nice. Funny, but not nice.
Meanwhile, a young scholar who lives near that area has been in touch asking if she can cut out my column about the earthquake for her scrapbook entitled The Morning My Photo of Justin Bieber Fell Off The Wall.
Aw. I know you would rather not be named but it is very nice of you to ask. Not many people would bother to be so thoughtful, Yes, of course you may. No problem at all.
Maybe as a thank you I could send you a signed photo of myself to put up instead of the Bieber cove? And why not? I suppose we would not want you having trouble sleeping as well. Fair enough.
That was so kind and unexpected of my new young friend in Wester Ross. It makes me think of unexpected happenings in my schooldays.
During one particularly arduous physics lesson, the teacher Mr Mackay barked at Donald, a boy in our class, for talking to the girl sitting behind him. The lad said: “I was just asking her a question, sir.” Mr Mackay was not impressed. “No talking in class. If you have any questions, you must address them to me,” he said.
Quick as a flash, Donald replied: “Please sir, would you like to go to the pictures with me on Friday night?”