The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken about youse but I dinna understand the fuss aboot the Elgin marbles. I only turned on Prime Minister’s Questions by mistake cos it wiz on at the same time as Big Cook, Little Cook and there they a’ were shouting aboot it.
As far as I can see, Rishi Sunak hid a hissy fit and cancelled a cuppie wi’ the prime minister o’ Greece cos the boy wis gaan tae ask him tae gie them their marbles back, and Rishi disnae wint tae, but wis feart tae say it tae his face. Nice tae see wir PM acting wi’ the maturity and solemnity fit befits his office.
I says tae my Jayden, I says: “I am nae an expert, but fa cares aboot a load o’ marbles? Kiddies arenae intae that playground games onymair, fan it’s a’ iPads and swiping stuff on yer phone.”
Then my Jayden points oot that they wiznae actually marbles, they’re actually a load o’ auld broken up sculptures, and I says: “I da ken fit it is wi’ the folk in Elgin and stuff getting smashed up. Their cathedral’s in ruins and a’.”
Then my Jayden tells me the hale story aboot the Earl o’ Elgin ga’an tae Athens on his holidays and coming back wi’ some extra stuff in his suitcase, and them ending up in the British Museum and a’thin’.
Weel, it fair minds me o’ the time in primary seven fan Gary Innes gie’d me a shot o’ his personal stereo in exchange for letting him come roon tae mines wi’ Big Sonja efter school. Sonja wis an early developer, and I think he funcied her. Either that or he needed her tae bend the frame o’ his Raleigh Grifter back intae shape efter he’d crashed it.
Onywye, fan Gary cycled hame, pleased as punch, he left his Walkman. So, I jist kept it. It wisnae really stealing; it sorta happened by accident. But, fan he asked for it back the next day, I said I didna ken fit he wis spikkin’ aboot.
Then Gary’s ma come roon tae spik tae my ma, and my ma turns roon and asks me if I’d stole Gary’s Walkman, and I turns roon and says no, so she sent Gary’s ma awa wi’ a flea in her ear and the twa o’ them hiv niver really spoke since.
Then, aboot a wik later, my ma finds it in my bedroom and she says wis furious. She says tae me: “If I’ve telt ye once, I’ve telt ye a thoosan’ times – niver iver keep stolen property in yer ain hoose. At’s foo ye get caught.” So, she pawned it and spent the money on a bottle o’ Bacardi and 100 Lambert & Butler.
And I think there’s a lesson there for all of us. Though I’m damned if I ken fit it is.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who always has a snowball’s chance
My regulatory readers will have to forgive Old Kenny for any mistooks in my column today – I’m only just back from Finland, cheering on the Dandies. It was a great trip, but it was so cold, I was freezing my crackers off. We think it’s chilly in the north-east, but Helsinki makes Aberdeen feel like the Costa del Solero. I think my fingers has got snakebite!
Even though they’ve both been draws, AFC’s last two games has been full of increments. When The Rangers come to town on Sunday, Robbo’s Reds got off to a flyer, and Big Bojan stuck the ball in the net of the back to put us 1-0 up.
Our defence held firm until stoppage time, when the crooked refs gave a VAR decision. Up stepped The Rangers’ double-barrel-shotgun captain, James Tavernier-Penalty, and he done what he always does.
Like a lot of ex-pros, I think VAR has did the game more harm than good. In my day, nobody never needed to see a replay to know if I’d given away a pen!
As soon as the Europa Diddy League draw was drawed, Basher Greg and Dunter Duncan has been in at me to go on a Red Army tour. So, we booked flights and a hotel for Helsinki on Thursday. But, thank goodness my missus, the lovely Melody, had a wee peek in my suitcase before we left.
Every time I go away, I pack my sunnies, barbuda shorts and haywain shirts, but I never realised Finland would be so cold! So, out come the smudgie bugglers, and in goes my thermal long johns, thick woolly socks and a cosy Christmas jumper. And I wish I’d packed even more clothes, because I looked a right plug at the game in that get up.
The game started off in nightmare fashion, when the Helsinkers raced to a 2-0 lead. Then, from nowhere, big Angus MacDonald hit a howitzer into the top corner to put us back in the game. Duk levelled soon after half time, but not before the Red Army had been given a roasting for chucking snowballs at the HJK keeper.
Then the game had to be stopped for 10 minutes to clear the snow, as the pitch was getting whiter and whiter. Like my hands was getting bluer and bluer – I should have put my gloves on before making all that snowballs!
Conversation