The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Simon Fogiel and Andrew Brebner.
View From The Midden with Jock Alexander
It’s been an exuding week in the village.
I wiz affa interested tae read they’re pittin’ up new signs around the centre o’ Aiberdeen for the attention o’ the city’s motorists. At’s certainly something they wiz needin’ more o’. It’s ayewiz good for ye tae hae something tae read fan yer stuck in traffic, or desperately attempting a three-point turn tae avoid a bus gate.
The new signs are there to mark the boundaries o’ a big area in the centre o’ the toon, coverin’ mony roads, and fit the map labels “final LEZ area”. LEZ stands for “low emission zone”, and Aiberdeen says it is aboot tae ban the biggest polluters fae its toon centre. I’m nae sure if this includes a’ the late-night revellers they get stottin’ aboot or fit, cos, michty, there’s aye plenty emissions fae them.
But it’s good tae see the cooncil is daein’ a sterling job in preparing the city for this change, by pittin’ up signs and cameras, and by makin’ it as difficult as humanly possible tae drive in the centre of toon.
Cos if there’s one thing we can a’ agree the toon needs, it’s to turn mair folk off of coming into the city centre.
Mind you, I am nae in the habit o’ venturin’ further east than Udny, so it’s nae real skin aff my rosy nose. Fit is jist as weel, as I dinna think my vintage coal-fired Massey Ferguson meets ony low-emission requirements. If it wiz low-speed requirements, I’d be laughin’.
So, should Meikle Wartle pay attention tae pollution? Weel, I usually tak the view that ony harmful particulates present in the air aroon here will either dissolve in the gale-force winds, drivin’ rain and snaa, or else get absorbed into the yella clouds fit hing aroon’ the sewage works.
Although that hisnae stopped some fae demanding that we should introduce wir ain LEZ area. Admittedly, the main proponent of this is village butcher and misanthrope Lez McKay, who thinks this is a wye to get the centre o’ the village a’ to himsel.
But I dinna think, on the whole, we’re a’ too sold on the idea. Instead, plans are afoot for us tae start up oor ain high emission zone, welcoming in a’ the drivers nae allowed into Aiberdeen after June 1.
Oor message tae them is simple. Tak yer diesel dischargin’, smoke-belchin’ vehicles oot here on a Jeremy Clarkson-style epic road trip. Come see the sights o’ the village, far ye can enjoy drivin’ roon and roon in a circle ’til ye run oot of fuel and hiv to pay through the nose to bunk doon in the village hall afore the petrol station opens the next day. Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in hard, early doors
People says to me, they says, they were sorry to see the back of Barry Robson. I dinna understand that of all. I sayed to them: “Barry has a lovely back and should be proud of it. Auld Kenny may be an auld dinosaur, but I’m nae into yon body shaming.”
But, noo that he’s gone, Neil Warlock is here, and folks is saying he will bring a bit of Pox Office to Pittodrie. Well, he hasn’t not let them down so far! It’s like one of those spill-bending Netflix series – you can’t wait for the next episode.
Mr Warlock masterminded a 2-0 win against diddy team Bonnyrigg Rose, although even he admitted that it wasn’t always easy to tell which team was the diddy team in a second half that my pal Basher Greig cried “as dull as dish water”. Which I thought was a bittie harsh. On dish water.
The Dandies’ reward for that result is a home quarter-final against Killie. I’m confidently quiet about that een, because if there’s one gaffer who knows how to lose a cup tie at Pittodrie, it’s Killie supermop, Degsy McInnes.
Wednesday night seen Motherwell jump in their Steeler’s Wheels and head up the road to see if they could break Warlock’s spell. And, after 27 minutes, when Motherwell was 3-0 up, it looked like the Dons had sold the plot and lost the jerseys. But Warlock wasn’t having it.
I have no idea what will happen when we stick Hibs this weekend, but I know I’ll be there with balls on
He hooked a couple of lads and threw on a different couple of lads and, before you knew it, we was back to 3-3! It wasn’t quite the greatest comeback since Lazarus, but it wasn’t far off. Fair play to Warlock for realising his formation was mince – it’s just a shame he didn’t realise it before kick-off, like the entire Red Army done.
I have no idea what will happen when we stick Hibs this weekend, but I know I’ll be there with balls on. My bookie’s tip is for a 5-4 win, with two red cards on either side, and a good old-fashioned square go on the touchline. Magic!
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