The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Greg Gordon.
Kevin Cash, money-saving expert and king of the grips
I wiz fascinated tae hear aboot the latest scheme tae sort oot Union Street. Cos, as we a’ ken, it’s a shadow o’ its former sel’, noo that they’ve finally pit a stop tae folk treating it like a main thoroughfare.
A group o’ computery folk ca’ed Code the City his teamed up wi’ the Our Union Street campaign, and they’ve got a plan tae use “augmented reality” gaming tae bring folk back in tae the city centre.
Augmented reality is far ye look at yer surroundings through yer smartphone camera and it looks like there’s weird creatures and stuff a’ aroon ye. Like yon Pokemon Go’s that wiz a’ the rage afore we had mair important things tae worry aboot, like nae catching Covid or paying for food.
The idea is that ye get the game fan yer at hame, but ye’ve tae actually get up aff yer bahoochie and come intae the toon tae play it. If it works, ye might be able tae see a giant, fire-breathing dragon steaming doon the centre o’ Union Street, fit will mak a fine change from a wee radge in a North Face daein’ a wheelie on his electronic scooter.
Looked at one way, this is dead clever, cos virtual attractions are an affa lot cheaper and, crucially, quicker tae build than real eens. But, on the ither hand, it dis feel a bittie like an admission o’ defeat – we’ve basically accepted that the best hope tae get folk back tae the toon centre is a load o’ things that arenae really there.
But you ken me – like ony entrepreneur, I’m for onythin’ that might improve city-centre footfall, particularly of the easily distracted or gullible, so I’m a’ for it. However, it’s nae for a’bdy. Fit aboot the technologically disadvantaged amongst us fae dinna hae a smartphone, or onyb’dy ower 50 fa canna really work the een they’ve got?
Well, niver fear. I am planning tae introduce a low-tech option. Ye dinna need a smartphone, jist visit my stall ahind the bins on Langstane Place and I’ll gie ye yer very ain augmented reality heidset. It’s a cardboard box wi’ picters of elves and orcs and that cut oot o’ a pile o’ magazines I found oot the back o’ Geek Retreat stuck tae the inside.
Or, if yer claustrophobic, there is anither wye ye can stott aboot shouting at things that only you can see. I’m also flogging a case o’ only very slightly oot ‘o date Diamond White, fit his a very similar effect.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who always trainers separately
So, Aberdeen has managed to turn around their recent dip in form. After three weeks in which they conceded five goals, then four, then five again, over the last two weeks they hasn’t conceded none at all! Sadly, though, the international break won’t not go on forever, and they will be back playing this weekend.
Hopefully Barry has spent the last fortnight intensely preparing his team for the match by showing pictures of a ball to his defenders, and offering detailed tic-tactical advice, like gently shouting “kick it away!” into their lugs.
But, on the other edge of the sword, it has been a funny business being a Scotland fan recently. After years of not knowing where the next point is coming from, we has suddenly found ourself skating the heights by winning five games on the bounce and heading to the top of the table!
I watched the Cyprus game with my pal Dunter Duncan. When we went 3-0 up in 30 minutes, he turns around to me and he says: “I don’t like it, Kenny. It’s not like watching Scotland at all. Where is the anxiety and sense of foreboding?” Well, Dunter will have really enjoyed watching the game on Tuesday against the Auld Enema, when the good old bad old days returned with bells and whistles on.
In all fairness, England looks like some team. Gareth Southgate may seem like a bank manager who is worried his branch is going to be shut down by head office, but he fair got a performance out of his boys. Apart from poor old Harry Maguire, who had a bit of a night-nurse.
The last own goal I scored, I didn’t have to deal with none of that cider-bullying
That poor lad got a lot of abuse, particularly online, which makes me think how lucky I was that the internet hadn’t not been invented when I was playing. The last own goal I scored, I didn’t have to deal with none of that cider-bullying. All that happened was a mannie behind the goal called me a pudding and threw a pie at me, which I catched just before it hit me on the coupon.
Being honest, I wasn’t not bothered at all by that incident; in fact, I eat that kind of thing for breakfast. Which I done.