Well, the nights are fair drawing in.
These words are sure to provoke strong reactions from anyone still looking forward to months, or at least weeks, maybe just days, of warm summer weather.
The summer solstice is a turning point in the calendar, although I didn’t feel motivated to mark it by dancing naked round a maypole playing a fiddle, much to Mrs F’s relief. Or indulging in any similar folklore traditions on the night as it was unseasonably cool at Fyne Place, and far from being seen to celebrate ancient traditions, I would more likely have risked being sectioned for gross public indecency.
Sadly, it won’t be long before barbecues are binned and most folk are huddled round the TV again rather than hoeing the veggie patch or mowing the lawn.
That said, the very sound of the words “I’ll have one from the top and three from the bottom” or variations thereof is guaranteed to send me dripping into a cold sweat. Scenically pleasant though it was to watch Carol Vorderman or Rachel Riley go through their paces in the long-running TV quiz show Countdown, the segment of the programme called the Numbers Game, saw me reach urgently for the TV remote control or hide behind the sofa until it was all over.
I can usually make my way in the world with words and letters, but I am as likely to succeed at sums as Dominic Cummings is to share an intimate campervan trip on the North Coast 500 with Matt Hancock.
I am no longer a full-time student and not yet a full-time OAP, so the likelihood of me being able to watch afternoon telly is akin to the likelihood of England winning the Euros. It might happen, but I sincerely hope it doesn’t, or that I can find something more useful and interesting to do when it’s on.
I am sure the programme’s new host, former fiery Weakest Link presenter Anne Robinson, will forgive me if I don’t tune in on Monday when she begins her stint, following in the footsteps of the likes of Richard Whiteley, Des Lynham, Jeff Stelling and Nick Hewer.
If she ordered me to do so, however, I doubt I’d have the courage to reply with a nine-letter conundrum that means “get stuffed”. She terrifies me.
She has promised to be gentler on contestants this time round rather than brutally exposing their vulnerabilities as she did in her previous dominant guise, but even so, I’d still find her a pretty intimidating challenge.
It can be difficult for us to admit to our weaknesses. Among my own fears are roller-coasters, dinner-dances, entering rooms full of strange people, being surrounded by snobs or being stuck in a lift with the likes of Anne Robinson. Imagine my terror as she demands I solve the problem while the 30-second Countdown music reaches its mesmeric “da-dah, da-dah, diddly dah” conclusion. It’s the stuff of nightmares.
Facing our own failings can be hard but it’s even harder to turn them into strengths, yet that’s exactly what the splendid Tom Stoltman has done.
The biggest thing to come out of Invergordon since the ocean liner Queen Mary 2, Tom last week deservedly won the title of World’s Strongest Man in Sacramento, California, beating formidable US professional strongman and four-time world title winner, Brian Shaw, in the process.
Amazingly, Tom’s brother, Luke, came seventh in the competition – a fantastic achievement for the Easter Ross pair.
Tom has overcome many personal challenges to achieve his dream and has warmly acknowledged the pivotal role played by his family in his success. He’s an inspiration.
While Carol or Rachel might not have been able to revolutionise my arithmetic, perhaps Tom’s example could help transform my strength. Mrs F agrees and suggests I start gently by working up to, say, lifting the ironing basket once a week, changing the bed’s duvet cover – that’s a tough one – and eventually aiming for being able to open a new jar of Baxters beetroot without meekly seeking her assistance.
Unfortunately, like my sums, this unlikely prospect just doesn’t add up. As the new Countdown host might say about me: “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.”
